I believe I have been "in touch" with two victims of rape/incest in my life (though there have probably been more). One I am completely sure was a victim of incest -- since she told me all about it (she was 50 years old when she talked to me about it -- it had happened in her childhood). I knew the young woman at 50 when she literally "saved my life" from the grief pit I was feeling over the horrible loss of my wife nearly 12 years ago.
During that time I want from caretaker to widower in a matter of 15 months -- that time was horrific, and at the same time enlightening about life, death, and meaning.
After the passing of my wife a note was put on our business's internet site about her death -- and I got one significant and compassionate response (from this former student from 35 years ago). She saved my life by comforting me with emails, notes, then phone calls and finally visits. What she failed to mention is that she was already in a "binding relationship" with another former alcoholic/fellow church member, live in weekend lover, etc. By the time I found out I had been made into the "other man" I was doomed to me crushed emotionally. This wonderful person was a victim of incest with a family member for years as a child -- then a student of mine at Interlochen when a teenager, then finally a lover when she was middle-aged. It was all predictable if I had known the template of an unsupported incest survivor: guilt, self-loathing, addiction (alcohol, drugs, etc), recovery, co-dependency, unreliable moral structure, lack of ordinary human mores, and finally sticking with whatever allowed them to become "sober and functioning" (in her case AA, primitive Christianity, a co-dependent boyfriend/fiancee/then husband) -- all of this was predictable and played itself out in my experiences with her. I won't mention being trapped by her lies, her confusion, and her cruelties.
More recently I discovered a much younger student: who had been chosen by my foundation for educational support (an undergraduate fellowship). She is brilliant, seemingly creative, quiet and unassuming -- basically a nice person. But she is also morally ambivalent, maintaining a "victim mentality" with all friends and even me, who tried to allow her to grow from her own horrible experiences. Without really knowing for sure I inferred she was abused by her parents -- Mother and Father -- perhaps not physically, but certainly socially, psychologically, and in ordinary physical terms. I believe that this young woman had been raped -- by whom I don't know, except that it was probably from a family member. or someone from her "church." This incurred several hospitalizations for "acting out" behaviors, a life of "christian therapy," adoption by her own aunts (who have their own problems with reality), and a repressed, sublimated, and depressed lifestyle.
Incest must be dealt with -- at best by the individual victimized -- but not in an amateur way. Cognitive behavioral therapy with a competent and disinterested therapist (not a friendly christian "friend of the family" kind of child therapist)is a must. A supportive but "knowing family" or community would be a "godsend." Unfortunately in this case, and I fear in most cases, this is not the
outcome. Most of such victims -- like my young friend -- are doomed to play out the predictable outcome(s) -- and statistically, they are not pretty. We have many examples from the "real world" to serve as stark exemplars.
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