Struggles with Incest and Rape

I believe I have been "in touch" with two victims of rape/incest in my life (though there have probably been more). One I am completely sure was a victim of incest -- since she told me all about it (she was 50 years old when she talked to me about it -- it had happened in her childhood). I knew the young woman at 50 when she literally "saved my life" from the grief pit I was feeling over the horrible loss of my wife nearly 12 years ago.

During that time I want from caretaker to widower in a matter of 15 months -- that time was horrific, and at the same time enlightening about life, death, and meaning.

After the passing of my wife a note was put on our business's internet site about her death -- and I got one significant and compassionate response (from this former student from 35 years ago). She saved my life by comforting me with emails, notes, then phone calls and finally visits. What she failed to mention is that she was already in a "binding relationship" with another former alcoholic/fellow church member, live in weekend lover, etc. By the time I found out I had been made into the "other man" I was doomed to me crushed emotionally. This wonderful person was a victim of incest with a family member for years as a child -- then a student of mine at Interlochen when a teenager, then finally a lover when she was middle-aged.  It was all predictable if I had known the template of an unsupported incest survivor: guilt, self-loathing, addiction (alcohol, drugs, etc), recovery, co-dependency, unreliable moral structure, lack of ordinary human mores, and finally sticking with whatever allowed them to become "sober and functioning" (in her case AA, primitive Christianity, a co-dependent boyfriend/fiancee/then husband) -- all of this was predictable and played itself out in my experiences with her. I won't mention being trapped by her lies, her confusion, and her cruelties.

More recently I discovered a much younger student: who had been chosen by my foundation for educational support (an undergraduate fellowship). She is brilliant, seemingly creative, quiet and unassuming -- basically a nice person.  But she is also morally ambivalent, maintaining a "victim mentality" with all friends and even me, who tried to allow her to grow from her own horrible experiences. Without really knowing for sure I inferred she was abused by her parents -- Mother and Father -- perhaps not physically, but certainly socially, psychologically, and in ordinary physical terms. I believe that this young woman had been raped -- by whom I don't know, except that it was probably from a family member. or someone from her "church." This incurred several hospitalizations for "acting out" behaviors, a life of "christian therapy," adoption by her own aunts (who have their own problems with reality), and a repressed, sublimated, and depressed lifestyle.

Incest must be dealt with -- at best by the individual victimized -- but not in an amateur way. Cognitive behavioral therapy with a competent and disinterested therapist (not a friendly christian "friend of the family" kind of child therapist)is a must. A supportive but "knowing family" or community would be a "godsend." Unfortunately in this case, and I fear in most cases, this is not the
outcome. Most of such victims -- like my young friend -- are doomed to play out the predictable outcome(s) -- and statistically, they are not pretty. We have many examples from the "real world" to serve as stark exemplars.

Trump -- Please Let This Pain End Soon

Miles Glorioso -- the comedia dell'arte figure that is so seemingly stupid, arrogant, and a bullying braggart to boot --well, he is the current President of the United State. He wants to take credit for everything that happens in America or the world that seemingly could turn out right.

Trump takes no responsibility for himself or his appointees when they turn out to be crooks, incompetent, or just so far off the norm as to be un-American.  He also apologizes for none of his own excesses and blames previous administrations for all failings in policy or execution. The world is apparently incompetent or grossly inadequate; only Trump can solve all our problems, says Trump.

How Do Humans Become Adult Humans

In a life spent as a "teacher" and "mentor" I have tried always to be honest with myself, up-front with others, centered on the growth of my students, and mindful of the fragility of personality as children grow up. I have seen "humans" who are apparently "grown up" and centered at age 12, and adults as old as 30 who in every moral and psychological aspect -- are still children.

One example in particular stands out in my memory. This was a young person in a community theatre production of "The Runner Stumbles" up in Michigan, very near the location/setting for the play. The production was important because of the controversy over authorship of the play -- the wife of the supposed author lived in the area where the play was being produced. Because the play was being produced so close to where the play was set (though a hundred years later) the supposed author was invited to the premiere. And then the truth of authorship controversy surfaced -- and all hell broke loose in the community, the press, and the rumor chain.

My example however was a young woman in the 20's who was in the cast. I happened to be cast as the clerical lead -- the priest who sinned. This young woman did everything possible to get close to me: in the dressing room, in the common bathroom was all had to use backstage, and at gatherings the cast had after rehearsals and performances at the local watering hole. I finally foolishly gave in to the seduction and it really was a seduction-- but not feeling quite right about the whole situation. Finally it dawned on me -- that this young woman was still reliving early high school years and her "expressed desire" for me was a transference from a former  "drama teacher" in her rural high school.

During a snowstorm/water hole gathering Kim (let's call her Kim) wanted to "stay over"in Traverse City.  She then pitched an improbable set of lies, betraying why she needed to set up a "phone chain" of lies about her whereabouts to "fool her parents into thinking she was staying with a girlfriend" overnight because of the danger in driving in snowy/slick weather. She believed they believed that she was not having sex or doing anything else "wrong." I sent her home in that snowstorm understanding that she really could stay with her girlfriend from high school who lived several blocks from me in Traverse City. And I learned from this experience -- even though she thought I was a "creepy dope" for not "screwing her" that night -- that women who are not mature enough to handle their own sexuality are not mature enough to use it.  

Are Women Inferior ... to Men?

The simple answer is absolutely not. The more complex answer is that cultural conditioning, ethnic stupidity, and male fear of being outdone have created the historically undeniable impression that gender differences imply gender dominance and submission.

The significant problem in the world is that most women either believe the "male dominance theory" or in a snarky way try to resist it by using indirect approaches to get around it. The result is that the "glass ceiling"  remains firmly arched over our heads, and that no woman has yet been elected to the Presidency in the United States. Various religions also add their weight to this fable of female inferiority: Christianity has its "handmaiden" theory of female gender, Islam still applies the "chattel" theory on both women and children, and most other major religions deny females the right to minister to the people at large in any true clerical sense.

So did God create two genders so that one can "lord it over" the other? (chauvinism in language itself) Are humans really just animals with souls who also  have complementary purposes and connections with each other. Is sexual and sensual attraction natural, or sinful? Are we "born in sin" because we are human, and only have value when we are saved? What is the purpose of "organized religion" anyway? Was religion given by God (god?) or invented by men -- as Kazantzakis suggested in "The Odyssey: a Modern Sequel?"

Human beings need to stop being afraid -- of each other -- and the "unseen god"; and live their lives positively and hopefully. Perhaps then there can be a return to the "Garden" so wished for by so many.

Who is King?

Trump wants to be a 'king'? Jesus is King? Many women want a king, or at least a prince. What does it mean to be a king?

A king is a ruler, but a benign one. A king is not above anyone else; he is equal to everyone he serves. A king is a leader. A king knows how to listen and use good advice, no matter where it comes from. A king does not "rule" -- a king leads, because he has made himself knowledgeable about the situation, has made a choice, and has followed through it. A king is a male but is not gender arrogant.

What is a "queen"? Is 'she' lesser than a king? No. A queen does all the same things as a king, only often in different situations. Has "god" or someone appointed a king to be superior to a queen?
No. A queen is a king -- using different modes of leadership and command. Those modes are not lesser than those of a king, only different from...   Can a "king" be a good "queen"? Yes. Can a "queen" be a good "king"? Yes.

Can a "mother" be a good "father"? Yes. Can a "father" be a good "mother"? Yes? Terms are inconsequential and ridiculous. Functions are crucial. Eliminate your "male" or "female" bias!

When Women Fail -- Why?

Fear. Being controlled by others: family, boyfriends, peer pressure, insecurities, society, their own lack of drive. FEAR!

Men? Are men at the root of women who fail, or are women their own worst enemy in this case? What do you think?

Give your views in the comments section.

Feminism

I have always been a strong pro-women male. Why? Women have superior ways of thinking from most men: they work well with groups, they mostly allow for multiple approaches to problems, they work very hard, they are respectful of others, they are charming in doing all of the above. Of course, there are exceptions to these categories of women; there are exceptions to all observational rules.

Being a feminist lifetime -- I can honestly say I have never tried to "take advantage" in any way of anyone, including women. Does that make me some kind of hypocrite, or an unrepentant "user" who can't see his "user-ness" in himself? No, I don't think so.

I made some extraordinary vows during my life -- and I have lived by them. Love, tolerance of differences, continual attempts to understand others, openness, respect -- there are "vows" relating to each of these topic firmly and permanently etched in my mores and behavior. And these vows begin in early cognitive childhood for me. How did they happen? In other blogs I will detail what I can remember from those dim recesses of time.

Closed Minds

White Supremacists have closed minds! Black Supremacists have closed minds! As do KKK members, right-wing conservatives, left-wing socialists, and many other fringe and one-issued groups.

I would also include Christians who think they are the "chosen people," Muslims who think the same,
and some Orthodox Jews, and Capitalist war mongers, and a variety of other self-serving milieus.

The saddest group for me -- of all the groups previously mentioned in this and all my blogs -- are certain groups of men and women who deny life's verities. Women who deny sexuality itself because of some made-up excuse (religion, morality, personal embarrassment, too much joy, and so on) so they can condemn the rest of the world who act normally. If you question the previous comment -- I could give you concrete living examples of such people -- they are the Shaker movement of the 21st century. There are men who also deny significant parts of life -- including, though I have not met any of these men, basic humanity. Perhaps hyper-ego's fit into this group, such as Donald Trump.

Men often become the conscienceless losers wandering the planet. What such men have in common with each other is -- they all appreciate Fox News. No, seriously they only appreciate words and media that support their hyper-selfish lifestyles.

I learned long ago from the Jesuits that an "intellectual is a person who can maintain an open mind."
I think it is a quote from G.K. Chesterton, and it is "apt" in this situation. In such a case -- please God, if there is a God, allow me to keep my mind "open."

A Not-Final Tribute to my Sister Linda

She was a good honest person. She was a woman who made friends from all strata of life -- because she was honest with them, and compassionate towards them. She loved life, people, animals, children, beauty, and a million other categories.

She was skilled in calligraphy, cake baking/decorating, package wrapping, administrating the work of others in associations ranging from theaters, formal groups, churches, organizations, historical societies and others. She was a certified hypnotist. She was a baptized Catholic who really understood the weaknesses of that Church; she was spiritual, existential, and most-of-all smart.

She was a proud graduate of St. Mary's High School in Milwaukee; and Cardinal Stritch College.
She had additional course work from colleges in Milwaukee and elsewhere. She completed correspondence courses of various types; she was a learner throughout her life. She was a seasoned accountant. In her education she tried to "better" herself so she could be independent and never a burden to anyone. In spite of never having very much she never really asked for help from her family -- which I believe would have been freely given, if her money troubles were known.

As the Executor of her Estate I know for a fact how hard and how long she struggled. All the while she lived a strong a positive life. She was companion too and supporter of my Mom Della for many, many years -- while the rest of her siblings were really only sometime visitors. Linda was a "mensch" in every positive sense of that term.

If she made mistakes -- and I know she did -- she always tried to recover from them, and right whatever wrong she had done. I always admired her a truly good and honest person.

I believed in all her talents because I continually saw them in practice. I believed she still had a future so she became my co-founder in a large working foundation I am starting.

The world of her friends will miss her unique personality, her loving support, her ingenious talents.

Linda's Funeral

Today was Linda's "funeral."  It gave a chance to family members and anyone and everyone who knew her to get up in front of the mourners and talk about Linda: what she was like, how she interacted with them, what she did for them, etc.  This "service" was as much spiritual as it was material and a good example of a celebration of life that was real, honest, and full of life.

Mel started the ceremony, followed by Ted Junior and then Arlene -- all did well. Next up there were nuns from St. Francis of Assisi (the founders of St. Mary's Academy and the Marian Center), fellow workers from the Spiritual Life Church (where Linda worked, volunteered, and had lots of friends).
Finally Jan Melloch spoke and verified dynamically the friendship between Linda and her.

We had some relatives from up in Northern Wisconsin (the Kursczewski's: Kenneth and frau) and close friends and clients of Linda from the Marian Center days. All this happened while Milwaukee (and all of Wisconsin really ) was getting snow measuring 8-25 inches with 50-60 miles per hour winds. As I write this the snow continues, even though Linda doesn't (as a live human being).

It was a perfect day -- except for the snow, the wind, the cold, etc. I shared "final meal" on Linda's behalf at the Final Approach, one of our favorite places to go when I would come to town. Farewell Linda, for now!!!

Women who manipulate...

There is a special place in hell for women (or men) who spend their lives trying to scheme and manipulate situations and other people. I have come across too many of them in my working and
personal life. None of them are my friends any longer.

I know why people do such things, of course. Some would call it "strategizing;" others would say it's just the way the world works (everybody lies); and some wouldn't even call it lying. But it is lying.
And whatever the motive, it is wrong. Not just morally wrong; but humanly wrong. After a while the liar cannot even tell the difference between a lie and the truth.

And after a longer time -- there is no difference to a liar.

Among the liars I have dealt with recently: an entire family (of a certain ethnic group, of a closed off section of Georgia, etc); liars of all ages.

Women Who Hide

The death of my sister and the work of my foundation ... have both shown me something about women in America, women of all ages. Young women in their twenties are "afraid of life" or they are just the opposite sexually liberated but mentally cloudy. Middle aged women "hide" in traditional situations: the spinster, the mom, the childless married woman. Older women (and I will be discreet in terms of numbers because "older" can actually refer to any age, depending on the state of mind) are tied to their family tradition, or their memories of an earlier happier time (rose-colored glasses syndrome), or the depression of ongoing life ("help me Jesus").

So women are hiding -- not all but I would say "most" of the women in my acquaintance. What of it?
What difference does it make? Who cares, as you might say?

The world cares -- civilization needs their active input more than it needs an army of menials, a sea of serfs, a gaggle of distracted cluckers. The reason we have Trump's and Putin's and Harvey Weinsteins's is that women are not "present" to life now, and to the future.

The Endgame of Donald Trump

The "laws of America" are closing in on the Donald. So long a crooked pseudo-businessman in the NYC area, and then by brand extension,the world -- Trump's crooked, inhumane, worldly, shallow and sometime "stupid" ways of working  have begun to "chew on his wide behind." Yes, karma is a wonderful thing.

Now Trump is trapped in a situation in which he can't just declare bankruptcy and then move on to the next venture. There is a reckoning to pay in spite of what my elder brother-in-law might say.
Trump will lose the presidency; Trump will (and already has) lose control of the Republican party; Trump may even spend time in jail. He will certainly suffer for his sins -- even reaching a level of embarrassment that might penetrate his simplistic arrogance. Power does insulate Trump; but it does not excuse him. Nor does his obvious ignorance.

Seeing everything in the guise of Trump's brand (which tried to be "elegant" and turned out to be "slimy"); or Trump's inexperience in government -- no longer make things right. Trump is a 'leper" among believers in democracy; a pariah among believers in simple decency; a devil among people who actually believe in truth, even relative truth.

I Know Famous People

Some friends of mine, Dick and Polly, used to use the phrase "I know famous people" -- to indicate the name-dropping shallow people who are around us.  They express grief when they don't really feel anything; they always "lead' with an "I" every time they speak; their expressions are meaningless, nonsensical, or just plain prevaricating.

Donald Trump speaks like that. Almost sociopathic in its intense falseness. He also uses the "people say" as his famous people to bolster whatever "blind lie" he is going to express. "People say," most experts think," or even "everyone knows." Donald Trump is a practiced by rudely obvious liar.
As "all of us" know! (Hah).

Private Message for C. H-H.

Positive / Negative

You are confused about all kinds of things / On the one side you have "family heritage preaching" and your own insecurities; on the other side you had a righteous scholarship offer.

You "disremember" things to support your family's sense of your "victimization." / Your family victimized you when you were young(er) and vulnerable; now your extended family does the same in new ways.

Your future as a student is somewhat diminished unless you make decisions for yourself. / Your powerful and controlling "in loco parentis" group feels you have to prove yourself.

You rightly want to "prove" yourself to your aunts and others. / Apparently you will go to any lengths to protect the family you have left -- even embellishing the truth and creating a "new history" with lies of omission.

You created a sense of self-righteous indignation over "invasive questions" asked of you about religion, family, and self. / You were told beforehand the questions could be embarrassing and would certainly be invasive: and that you didn't necessarily have to answer any of them.

You claim to be an innocent "young girl" put upon by "yet another" male figure. / No one can do this to you: you are neither a young girl, nor are you put upon by anyone except your family and your past experiences.

Past history haunts you (and confuses you). / But your "new present" scares and depresses.

You need to grow up and face up to your life, your condition, your treatment and likely outcomes. / No one can do that for you; your must do it for yourself.

You often think you are "not free" and that seriously depresses you, or makes you anxious. /  You are set up with medication, "therapy," and "in loco parentis" support to exacerbate that condition.

In spite of undercutting and condemning those who offered you opportunities; you are still respected
and "loved" (in the widest sense) by them. / You are not a "young girl"; no one has currently victimized you; and your life is yours to "create."

The World is What It Is

Trump is trumpeting how "attorney client privilege is dead" --- in his case, it should be. Those people among us who use such "privileges" to evade the law need to be exposed, and punished if they have broken laws that the rest of us obey.

Trump is the President, but he is certainly not "above the law" nor can he use his sacred post to work above and around the law. If he is a criminal, he should be impeached (or indicted) and punished just like anyone else.

"You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free!'   Good words: too bad our President doesn't read more. Fox News is neither freedom, nor truth.

Sex is...

Not a sin, no matter what the Lutherans say. Fun and healthy. Connected to compassion, love, and health is the most important of ways. More than an endorphin "high." A right of all humans.
Not predatory -- but does include flirtation/response, joy/desire, touch/reaction.

Sex needs to be understood by children (as soon as they are able) and not as a "good touch/bad touch" fallacy.  Children are never to be abused, or used, or confused by sex or its accoutrements.

Children need to have a healthy balanced view of sex -- and its connections to love among those who are ready for eros.

Talking about sex among and between "adults" is not a moral failing; it is necessary. America "does" sex and the education about sex worse than any other nation in any other time period.

The Purpose of Death

Everything dies. Everyone dies: humans, machines, migrating birds, beliefs, families, doubts -- everything. We perhaps will never learn the purpose, even if we have faith in a "higher power" -- as I do.

There are no doubt physical and mechanical laws governing this. Or perhaps reasons in faith beyond our ken. The only thing we can be sure of is that everything does die, in its own time, in its own way.
Mankind didn't cause death; mankind is not responsible for it. Perhaps the higher power is the cause of death?

It is an age old question discussed by every religious tome and in every college dorm. And it is a verity.

Mentor

As a mentor, whether it is within a business or a classroom or as a "life coach," it is always important to announce your "steps" (in an interview for example) clearly, forthrightly, and without prevarication.

I have always done that -- in all my "interviewing" in various jobs as a grants investigator, as a background checker, and as a teacher.  Sometimes employees or interviewees are so "taken" or "excited" that they fail to hear correctly. When I announce that I have to ask invasive questions -- I would always give my reasoning. That is the "honor code" of a teacher, a life coach, a mentor, and a friend.

I have only had one example in my entire life as a teacher, leader, mentor and friend (52 years of service) of someone who so confusedly misconstrued my motives that they "warned me never to do it again."  People are always entitled to their opinions, even when they are wrong. The example was very, very recent -- and it involves basic self-delusion on the part of the individual being interviewed. I believe there is nothing I could have done differently, and nothing I should have done differently, and nothing that I would have done differently. I swear on my life that this is the "truth" as I see it.

If there is disagreement -- the two people involved should both "walk away" -- which I did and urged the interviewee to do as well.  I wish this person "good luck" always.

No Quarter by Death for Linda

My younger sister died two days ago, on April 5, 2018.  She did not deserve to die; no one does. And yet human beings die -- unsolicited, undeservedly, without grace or quarter. Why?

Why are we here? Christians say "to redeem our corrupt souls!" Why are we corrupt? Because we are human? Because of the "sin" committed by the first two humans. Sorry, I just can't fathom that. It makes no sense -- even with the eyes of faith and belief. So Linda died for no reason except her body fell apart. Mechanical, not vengeful!

Linda did not deserve to die. No one does. Why did God, if there is one, do this to humankind.  Why does anyone still believe in an all-powerful but vengeful God? Why? Why? Why?