If I Die...

Am setting off on a long driving trip tomorrow and must always consider the possibility of an accident ... and thereby serious injury or even death.  If I die --- let it be known, that I love all my relatives and friends and will be sorry to be either a burden or a grief memory for any of them.

If I die...I meant no harm to anyone when I was alive: woman or man, lover or hater, friend or enemy.

Please forgive me --- any wrong, or assumed wrong. I am only human, after all.  

Confidentiality Agreement

What can I say? Who can I say it to? Why can't I say it? Why should I say it? What drives me to say it? Will it be the "truth" if I can't say every part of it?

I must be confidential about what I must be confidential about. 

Sex Drive

Age and sex are an embarrassing combination. When are people too old to have sex? College kids think their own 40-something parents are too old! I think that people in their 80's are too old!

Who is right? Should the "sex drive" be put into "park" at some point in people's lives? Or is it always to be there -- tempting one to his/her youth when, quite frankly, they can never get there again.

Solving this conundrum is not so easy as it might appear. 

She as Remembrance

Memories can't do justice to anyone who has lived -- least of all to someone as vibrant and alive as She was.  Intelligence can't be recalled; humor can't be relived; and most of all the complexity of emotion and vitality cannot be recreated. She was a "one-of-a-kind" and always will be to me -- she was precious but not just to be kept. But rather to be "with" in whatever way(s) possible.

She was unique and special; She was eccentric and normal; She was a gem of great price. That is why loss of her to humanity is so deep and stirring. That loss cannot be overcome or retracted with just memories.   

Day of the Dead

Every day is someone's "day of the dead."  That day harbors memories, and terrors, and joys beyond joys...

This is my "day of the dead." It is the anniversary of the day Sheila Nassif Mrochinski died in 2006.

She had been at Hospice Savannah for over 60 days until that day. She had gotten better; she had come to recognize again a pain-free life. She had talked, and mused, and thought about her life -- with me, with her Mom Millie, with her Aunt Evelyn, her slightly crazy cousin Carol, and dozens of visitors from family, friends, and others. We had learned lots about each other -- and we had talked about the absent people we loved: E.T., my parents--Ted and Della, Linda my Sister, and many others.  

She had been in the "active process" of dying for several days now; she had actually warned me when that process started so that we had called her Mom to return from Greensboro to be in Savannah for the final days. She had fulfilled her promise to her Mom and to herself:  to be honest, and truthful, and giving -- all the way until the end. She had stood up to her Mom -- with loving kindness, and asked for these final days to be her days to spend as she wished. And she did that. There are a hundred stories here from this time that I will no doubt tell and retell often in my own life. 

The actual moment of my understanding about what was happening on December 4, 2006 was when I was awakened from a dead sleep by the sound of my own name -- MEL was spoken loudly, clearly and quite firmly in Room #4 and I found myself sitting bolt upright in my chair/bed wondering who the hell was speaking. I recognized the voice.... but Sheila had not spoke aloud for nearly a day now and I was not sure she still could speak.

As I rushed/stumbled to her bed I called Sheila's Mom at the hotel -- and let her know that it was "time" to come see Sheila now.  In the three hours until they dressed and arrived  (Millie, and Carol)-- I prayed, and laughed, and I fed She ice chips for her dry throat, (and she playfully bit my finger and seemed to giggle at doing so), and her body slowly relaxed from the grotesque  contorted position it had been in when I was wakened. And we kissed (though she could not fully kiss -- the movement was so very slight yet still perceptible).

And I told her again that I wished it had been me with cancer -- that she did not deserve to die! (Do any of us "deserve to die?") And I told her what I knew -- that I loved her; and "if there is a heaven-- she will be there." I believed that completely; because I always felt she was deserving...I can't judge anyone else, but I knew Sheila deserved a place in heaven. 

Everyone arrived and prayed (Carol in her "over the top; I am a Prophetess kind of way) and we each talked to Sheila -- and we waited. Time passed. We all chatted and I became aware that they talked of her already -- in the past tense. That made my mind catch for a moment and sigh. I could feel Sheila breathing -- I was sitting so close to her on her bed -- and leaning over her. And then I heard her take a large breath --- and that breath never seemed to come out! Her lungs had somehow stopped and all involuntary muscle reactions ceased.  Sheila had gone to God -- and I was so very happy for her I nearly laughed. But I know I smiled -- happy that her suffering was over; happy that she had no more pain to endure. I cannot fathom what my Mother-in-Law felt about me at that moment --- since she already blamed me for Hospice, and this diagnosis, and this death. But I truly did not care about what others thought of me. Sheila knew the TRUTH.   RIP to all of us -- living or dead, on this "day of the dead."  

Awash

In work; in grief; in sadness; in confusion; in memories; in imagery too vivid to forget; in pain; in the past; in the present; in others; in self-pity; in anger; in awful remembering; in time; in hopelessness; in tomorrow without end; in self; in nothingness; in a tear trickling down my cheek!

I am.

Getting IT Together

Last week was not a good week --- procrastination and sloth had their ways with me.  I finished the minimum amount of work to survive -- but felt guilty throughout in "not" getting enough of the really important things in my life "done." 

I hope this level of PROCRASTINATION is not a permanent condition!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

Giving Thanks

Americans do a lot of things "pro forma!" Just because it seems that we should, we offer "thanks" for what we have received.  But do we really ever just stop and count those many blessings; make a list; total up the receipts, etc?  Nope.

"Pro forma" mean just what it implies; according to form, as per usual, like always. It is what we do because we are not circumspect enough to really look at all we have.

I thank you -- fate, god, God, self, whomever -- for all the things and good fortune I have received -- however I have received them; in spite of my seeming unworthiness and clumsy attempts at rectitude. Thanks again. 

A Tribute to SHE

What SHE put up with!  I was a Midwestern mind-set mail with built-in prejudices against the South --- and its women.  I thought the educational systems in the South were backward (they are); the thinking was so thirty-years-ago (it is); and that all its people were slightly "nuts" for staying there.

I learned something about the grace and beauty of Southern charm; the strength of women who can only be compared to "pioneer types"; and the warmth of the South and its many passions. I was so arrogant and conceited about the superiority of the North (and yes, the Midwest). And I was mostly venal and short-sighted. 

I needed to grasp the "heart" -- the "soul" of the South; which lies deeper than all the stereotypes. And that "soul" loves the land, and people, and slow-time in everything. Those are its characteristics. 
How did Sheila Nassif Mrochinski put up with me all those years -- I cannot even imagine it.  Even though I lived it. 

My Horrible Time Comes Again

The anniversary is fast approaching -- on December 4th, 2006 Sheila Nassif Mrochinski passed away in my arms.  It was a horrible time because she died way too young (not yet 50) and it was a glorious time because her death finally ended all the suffering she had endured the previous two years since her diagnosis with breast cancer. 

She had contracted IBC (inflammational breast cancer) -- where her first real warning sign was a rash on her left breast and upper back  (and a slight pain in her hip, which turned out to be a broken back)-- a sign that this killer cancer has already spread to bone, lymph nodes, and beyond. Those last two years saw multiple treatments of "radiation therapy" (at least six segments of her spine) and numerous intravenous doses of killer concoctions of dreaded chemotherapy. And other drugs to strengthen bone, or promote red cell growth, or whatever!

At one point my dear wife asked me to "put an end to this" as she could no longer stand the pain, the stress, the hopelessness (and it was that hopeless, no matter what her doctors said). We talked long and hard about suicide, and murder, and end of life, and issues of heaven and hell.

I so wanted her to be happy -- every moment I was with her, even during this devastating time in her life. And I felt so inadequate to the task. She could not eat what she wanted (fresh fruit and vegetables) due to the threat of infection; she could not do what she wanted (because of lack of energy, and hope, and direction); and I had become the doctor's bully boy -- supposedly helping her to extend her life by doing "all the right things." But really, there were no right things. And so she died in my arms, where we had spent many happy days together -- even during the time of Hospice.
And I should have died there as well.   

Men are Not Morons

My female-dominated classes have been a revelation to me. So many smart young woman truly think that their sexual counterparts are mostly morons.

No, they don't just think that men are different!  They absolutely insist that men are "morons" by any viable understanding of what that means.  Men are morons because: they think differently, they don't think at all, they don't understand me (referring to themselves of course), they aren't not capable of change, they aren't capable of growth, they are hobbled by male interests (which do not include: shopping, sensuality, nor success), they are hamstrung by contact and friendship with other males, and are specifically non-reactive to human (feminine) understanding.

And yet, females marry these dufuses. They try to set up a happy marriage with them. The plan to spend the rest of their lives with them. They plan, play, and even copulate with them. Who are the stupid ones now? 

Taxes, Death, and Love's Failures

Another installment of my real estate taxes gets paid today --- and I am 6 thousand or so dollars poorer!  Death, the second inevitability, also moves closer as physical deterioration settles into aging joints and even quicker-aging body systems. And Love's failures, as some poet might say, are always with us and creep past our peripheral vision to cover us over -- all without ever being clearly seen.

I can handle the taxes -- at least so far.  Death is coming on like shadowy night -- but I am pretty sure I can handle that too. Love's failures -- which are mostly past -- and preordained for the future; are the most difficult challenge to reckon with.  Why? Our intentions are nearly always "good" when we love -- but they are most often unmindful enough of what is good for the other -- and so they fail, not so much from willful selfishness, as from unappreciated ignorance of the other. I never paid enough attention -- I was too fearful to notice the details -- I was too absorbed in success and failure to improve the very process that would have saved it all. Love requires humility and gift-giving most of all.  Not thinking too much; not hoping too much for a perfect moment.   

Catholic Church on Sex, and Life

The Holy Roman Catholic Church has been confused and mistaken about sex from its founding.  As an outcropping of Judaic belief the inequality of the genders was entombed in Catholic (and hence early Christian thinking and tradition).  The Catholic Church compounded its errors by mistaking this long tradition for truth on matters such as: gender equality, the meaning of marriage, what it means to be gay, gender identification, contraception, abortion, when a human life begins, normalcy, abnormalcy, bisexuality, sex outside of procreation, the understanding of family, free will, life/death issues, capital punishment, morality versus legality, suicide, and a host of other issues.

If we accept the premise that mankind was born with (or even given) free will -- to choose whatever path he/she may to achieve their own full growth -- whence comes the concept of sin? What are we sinning against? Nature? The "Law of God"? And why does God make a "Law" that does not allow the full use of our "Free" will? Is "Free Will" really free if it is restricted by a morality borne only of God and not from man's mind and nature?

Did God create creatures to oppose himself? Is God really in control? Is God really omnipotent? Whence comes evil; whence comes choice; whence comes happiness? And despair?

Being a Teacher

One always has to take the good with the bad.  Some students will always see the teacher as the enemy -- out to screw them at every turn, and incapable of doing their own jobs.  Others will show some respect for what the teacher is trying to do -- help the students learn.

I have been faced with both types of students in my career. When a student runs into things that they themselves have failed to comprehend -- often blame can go to the teacher, and not to their own lack of work on the topic in question. At every phase of my teaching life I have faced the hateful students, and the good ones.  The ones who really want to learn survive the adversities, and reap the rewards.
The others remain disgruntled and mostly unfulfilled.  What kind of student are you?

Vote or Die

I urge everyone -- regardless of party, affiliation, or conviction to vote today.  Be responsible for your future. Have the government and its policies really reflect your own thinking. Stand up for yourself and make your choices known to the politicians both in today's elections, and long afterwards as they purport to govern. 

You are our future.

On the Death of Bureaucracy

Perhaps it is just wishful thinking -- but I truly think that all bureaucracies comprise an outdated model. Bureaucracy of its nature is inefficient, clumsy, forgetful, porous, unthinking -- and without much redeemable value.  Bureaucracy provides a "wall" that we can spit against, lean against, pee on, and generally disrespect.

Bureaucracy doesn't keep any of the bad elements out; it doesn't preserve time-honored traditions or bring any kind of peace to the menials caught up in its maw. 

Being Old(er?)

I always wondered about the prospect of becoming old. Would it be a swift deterioration towards clumsy slowness? Would it include reckless attempts to prove one's youth (resulting no doubt is some sort of injury that's hard to explain to a 'regular doctor'? And now, inexorably, I'm sliding into it.

So, how is it?

I don't feel it!

I know it's happening but I still don't feel it! So, perhaps mental and physical numbness and lack of memory (of pain and embarrassment) are a significant part of it all?

Perhaps. Now, since I'm sliding into it; I may never know. 

My Students are the BEST

Having taught in conservatories, in University programs of some renown, and Graduate programs in the arts -- I have earned perspective on students, teaching, and teachers. On the University level I encountered lazy teachers, or narcissistic teachers, or egomaniacs using textbooks they had written-- and bad teachers, and self-indulgent teachers, and unconnected teachers. At the Graduate level I encountered meglamaniacal professors -- and professors who shouldn't be teaching anyone, now or ever. And some very good professors as well.

Now in teaching at a technical college, Savannah Technical College, I have encountered the same types of teachers. But...the students here are more diverse, hungry, and open to the best I can give them. They are students in the old and wonderful sense -- they are "tabulas rasas" wherein the teacher (and the other students, and themselves) can write the wonders of knowledge and growth. 

My students at STC are not perhaps the best prepared -- but they are most open to the process of preparation. They are not perhaps the best supported -- but the support they give themselves is courage of a high order.

They keep open minds -- and fill them with what they consider the best. And that then makes them the "best."

You Are Not Alone

If you have made "dumb" mistakes in your life, resulting in pain to others, and a lack of self-esteem in you -- you are not alone. If you have failed to pick up on someone else's desires, and thus robbed you and them of the pleasures of each other's company; you are not alone. If you seriously thought that "life would even out" and set you up in a long period of relative bliss-- you are not alone.

If  I had time and energy enough I would count all the mistakes I have made -- and some moments that perhaps were not mistakes for me, but seemed so for the people I was involved with. How many?
A thousand? Several thousand?

You think I jest perhaps, or exaggerate? Just count the many, many times you unintentionally (or intentionally) became the "fool" because you just didn't know how to react; didn't know how to handle the situation; or were afraid of offending the other person (or your own sensibilities).

I owe apologies to hundreds of people -- maybe thousands. For all the times I was arrogant, or unthinking, or selfish with my motives, or just plain stupid. All of us are so very, very human after all. 

Sex in Revolution

The world is in revolution: violence in Africa, Europe, Asia, the Middle East, Central America, South America, and North America too.  Changes over religion, political philosophies, economic realities, family/community/societal values -- have marked the current time as the most confused and confusing time in all of history. Complexification (as De Chardin might say) has spiralled outwards and encased all of us in its quickly growing web. Along with every other valued element human beings honor -- sex is also changing.

We now declare what sex we are -- a complex decision fraught with psychological, biological, and behavioral consequences. We are straight, or not; bi-sexual, or not; gay/lesbian, or not; kinky, or not;
transgender, or not; normal, or not; psychotic, or not; narcissistic, or not; human, or not! These "choices" are not really choices as much as chosen directions, components, or habits. The "decisions" we do make are made usually on the basis of ease, or co-equanimity with how we choose to live the rest of our lives. 

We are sexual -- that is for sure. We were given "free will." That is only partially sure. We are influenced, guided, and impeded by standards set by others. We live out our lives -- hopefully that is not a sham existence in a cave lined with self-assuring mirrors. Hopefully our life is truly ours to live.

Job Search

Some of us are in a constant flux of searching for a new job: we seek out every morsel of new information about out field; we consume all the "leads" that might lead us to a happier job; we worry
about the stability of our present job to an inordinate degree.

Unhappiness follows the person who cannot see the sunlight where they are. Joy fades in a minute when our desire for more blocks our current experience, and we try to live only for what we may have someday. Don't search for a new job; search for a real joy!

Thursday is Friday Where I Work

Due to one of the curiosities of educational scheduling -- my 40 hr. week ends on Thursday night, after four consecutive 10 plus hour days.  Sometimes I come in on Friday's as well, just to clean up my desk but on most weeks, not so. 

This strange configuration actually haunts the work schedule throughout the week -- since our department also has several members whose schedules don't follow the four day norm. Sometimes it is literally impossible to get things done, to move things up the chain of command; literally because we won't see that administrator or assistant until the weekend has passed. Yikes. This is kind of a bureaucracy that wants to be inefficient.

Carlos Sims has called for the 30 hr. per week work week. I say "yes." That means my Wednesday would be my Friday  -- there's an idea I could live with. 

Imbalance

Sometimes things don't go the way they are supposed to. Sometimes the dog dies. Sometimes there is no happy ending. Sometimes suffering is unrelieved.

And always -- we wonder why. Why is it that some people suffer hardships again and again? Have they done something to deserve their fate? Are they being "punished" somehow by fate, or god, or God, or their own soul? Is there a statistical element involved that says: "some people have all the luck -- whether it is good, or whether it is bad?"

To all those questions I would respond: the world is clearly out of whack! There is nothing about existence, or life, or being an American, or being rich, or being black, or being white, or being female, or being male -- that is fair or equitable. As we strive to live a cognitive life that has balance in it -- as we work to keep ourselves from the extremes of stress or its opposite -- as we live; we must recognize that things are out of balance and we can be swept up easily in movement that are far beyond any sense of control.

Balance

How can you live the fullest possible life? How can you have the greatest possible pleasure from everything you experience: sex, pain, joy, warm, cold, sun, wind, a kiss, a slap, everything!

Is is not stupid nor is it overstating the obvious to say that to really experience things -- you must have balance. You must flow to the high knowing that you will slide down to the low sooner than you can think.  All things in balance -- all things in proportion. All things to be enjoyed -- the good and the bad. Just as life is to be enjoyed -- so too the reverse when it comes to you. Balance -- enjoy being human and capable of balance. 

Hong Kong is the World

The world is at "six's and seven's"; the world is in turmoil!  Hong Kong is in turmoil! China is in turmoil! How will it all end?

History is Now -- Not Tomorrow

What we do now: how we vote, how we speak, how we treat others, what we believe, what we tolerate, what we understand, what we are willing to do, what we say, what we approve of, what we oppose; all these are what we are!

Do you live up to your convictions? Do you try to influence others to be tolerant and open towards all points of view? Are you willing, however, to stand up and oppose what is evil -- what is inhumane -- what is abnormally wrong?

We are living history -- right now, every day, every moment! I you don't understand that you don't understand much.

TAPS

To all my friends in the Ukraine, and Poland, Romania, and Russia -- and the Middle East, especially Syria, Lebanon, Iraq, Iran, Jordan, et al -- I give you my thoughts and all good intentions.  Whether there is war or peace, we in America are thinking of you -- and worrying for you -- and praying on your behalf.

America is not the "great devil" some of you think it is -- America is instead a land of free people who have learned, or are beginning to learn, that the are part of a diverse world community. That community is made up of many nations, many creeds, many races, many economic strata. We are all human -- and we are all together. 

The Sad State of "Now"

Why is "now" different than all other times? Things move faster now; change has accelerated to overcome even the most flexible of us. Technology has inundated us and surpassed the understanding of most of us. 

We are dependant on others for explanations of how things work, why things work, and any repair needed. We cannot seem to overcome the increasing acceleration of change, no matter how hard we try. We are slow to react to any change -- and seemingly unaware of most of the changes anyway. 

Yes, "now" is the best of times; and "now" is the worst of times! We live in any age where not only can anything happen, but most everything has happened, and amazing things will continue to happen.

War Again...for the United States

Perhaps we are in an age when war cannot be stopped!  When even peaceful countries must be called in to defend their futures. When stupidity is the religion of the desperate, and taunt is the diplomacy of the stupid.

ISIS is a non-country -- an ecstatic religious excuse for barbaric and non-human behavior. Those who are hyper-religious cheer both for ISIS and their wouldbe exterminators. Many look for the "end times" -- the fulfillment of the darkest images of the Bible.  A verification of Nostradamus' worst predictions. A tapestry not of life, but of death. Nihilism is not a legitimate choice for any human to make. No God exists where no-man exists! No-man exists where nothing can exist!

Unending Stress...

Our social, physical, emotional, and personal environments make us all into tortured little bugs. We are constantly reacting to the many elements and people who lay stress upon us like a heavy layer of emotional mulch.

We are overcome by this mulch; undone by it. We cannot conquer nor control it. It weighs us down as if we were paper cut-outs, folded this way and that by the push of their own shiftings.  We as humans react to all these stresses -- because we are aware of them. They become normal to us; we are normalized to a level of pain that inundates and ultimately consumes us. Our death is by drowning -- in the things we cannot control. 

Who'll Stop the Rain...

Creedence Clearwater Revival was one of my favorite "groups" back in the 70'sff and is still one of my groups today.  Their songs tried to say something.  In the midst of Vietnam protests, Black Power protests, Gay and Lesbian protests, etc. at the University of Wisconsin in Madison -- there was this song, "Who'll Stop the Rain...?" which summed up the emotions underneath the barrage of things going wrong on a world-wide basis. 

Kind of like, well, kind of like ... now! Who'll stop the rain -- of crazed nihilist like ISIS, or Russian hyper-Nationalists in Ukraine, or portly tea partiers and science-deniers which populate a good deal of America? Who'll stop the ignorance that abounds about "extermination" level issues in the world: climate change, self-destruction through child/female abuse, and violence as the newest sports passion in the NFL? None of these issues are God's fault (if there is a god)!  All of these issues are directly related to human arrogance (yes, I know I have plenty); human ignorance (ditto); human willfulness (again ditto); and human...humanness. We are all at fault.

We remain complacent -- while the idiots around us lead us. We try to stay uninvolved because "doing something" requires time and energy we just don't have.  We have met and seen the enemies -- again and again -- and the enemy is ... us.   

Money IS the Problem

Many institutions in the US are "coming apart" due to an increasing emphasis on the "bottom line."  Success of a movement, a person, a business, a career, even a marriage -- is being measured by how strong it is financially.  Capitalism has begun to penetrate every aspect of American life -- and has become the biggest hindrance to the application of any so-called American values, contained as our birthright in the American Constitution and the activity of the American Government. 

Capitalism is an economic system -- and it is not the only one that exists. Its is not a "form of government" nor is it the last "say" in every decision about everything.  Why can't we put "boots on the ground" in defense of our principles and our country in Iraq? Why can't we pay the poorest of workers more than the minimum wage? Why don't we consider billionaires as fallible and remorselessly human as the rest of us? You guessed it -- money!

We are hamstrung by our concentration on money, what things cost, what things have value in terms of money, etc. We can no longer differentiate between good and evil, right and wrong, unless it is terms of financial cost. We are the money-changers in the Temple! 

Disintegration

Why do things seem to be falling apart? The Naional Will in the US; the NFL; the sense of fairness in the way we discipline our children; our ability as a nation to figure out what to do about ISIS; our anger over big-name sports stars many "sins;" our tentative hold on reality!

Are we "getting worse" in everything we do, or attempt to do? Are we unable to decipher a clear path of action when our beliefs are challenged? Are we all hypocrites constantly fooling ourselves about our own truthfulness?

Time Runs Forward

To all my friends who are "literal" interpreters of the Bible -- we cannot return to the times of the Old Testament, so stop using it to inform and justify your current behaviors. To all my friends who are Muslim -- our God does not believe in your vanity; you cannot kill indiscriminately because our Mullah is crazy-angry at the West and sets a "fatwah" against them. Crazy backward-looking thinking of a thousand years ago cannot justify nor support your absolutely evil behavior in the present.

To kill by beheading -- and advertises it on the web to enhance your recruiting for your insane wars is evil; it is against faith; it is against life. It is bizarre and insane. It is justified only by your own madness and ego.

To believe that a century's old book can somehow bring us a moral guide for the present and for the future is insane and bizarre. To deny all we know through science because it contradicts the "fanciful poetry of the Bible" is insane.

To ISIS and to the literal interpreters of the Bible -- you are both insane. 

As I Await...

As I await the "news" about Tosha's ongoing health situation, I admit to being worried ... on a primal kind of level.  I feel her fear; I completely identify with her (by now) "settled" evaluation of her own situation.

Tosha is a strong woman -- more capable than even her closest friends could admit. Tosha has handled crises in her life with honest and courage, and the depth of heart that makes her the "poster child" for niceness.  She is a winner -- a woman who triumphs -- a true conqueror of life's programs and obstacles.

Please let the "news" be in proportion to her available skills and maturity.  Please!

Fear, and Resignation

There is a cloying feeling in the pit of my stomach -- I am worried for you.  I am worried that you will get a diagnosis that will be hard to take. I am worried that you will be hurt. I am worried that I will be helpless to change things. I am a palliative, not a cure. I am a helper, not a difference-maker.

You deserve all good things, not bad. You deserve to have a family some day, and children that you will give birth to. You deserve these things and so much more.

You do not deserve the fate of your female forebears. You deserve better -- though your flesh is genetically identical. You deserve the best.   

My Biggest Fear

My biggest fear is a crisis that happens everyday. It happens when something awful occurs, and I can do nothing about it but "be patient and try to live through it." Sometimes the bad event is a loss of job, or a diagnosis, or a "fear being realized," or even a success too big to cope with. No matter what it is -- the event makes me feel helpless to forfend it, helpless to stop it or even slow it's happening, just plain human helpless. 

I am only human -- and that is my biggest and most complete vulnerability. While I may comprehend what is happening to me -- I am always helpless to stop it. Yikes. 

For Tosha -- My Daughter

You have continually made me a proud (old?) man these past few years.  You have handled yourself and the problems of life with honesty, thoughtful care, and strong and purposeful imagination. I applaud you for your life, your many (many) accomplishments -- and your determination to live a full and artful life. 

Sheila would be proud; I am proud; everyone of your family and friend-circle who knows you well --- should be proud.

I am "in your corner" and "on your side" and will help you in any way I can to achieve your goals -- your many goals. You have done more "planning" in your life than I have done in mine -- and for you that has been a good and rewarding component of your life. Sometimes I am in awe of you -- but mostly I am just proud, and happy for you. Be well and do well; you are still a "Georgia" peach!!!

Vatican Highs; Catholic Lows

The current Pope is a Jesuit -- from Argentina. But a Jesuit.  That has made a significant difference in breaking down the Roman Curia and muscling the "old guard" corruption out of Vatican policy, Vatican politics, Vatican corruption. Pope Francis has administered this "modern Church" better than anyone thought possible-- yet the many, many problems of the Church remain.

The Catholic Church has polarized itself around one issue -- for different fragments of the Church that issue may be different: the rights of women in the Church, birth control as sin (procreation is the only goal of marriage), abortion (it is what I say it is when I say it is).  These three issues alone have bifurcated the Church for centuries and continue to do so. Now we have added sexual controversies:
the pedophilia of the Catholic clergy, transgenders as humans, bisexuals/gays/etc. as willful sinners or gender anomalies. These three additional problems go confusedly unsolved by the Church and its thinkers. Once again the Church is polarized by sex!

The Catholic Church cannot truly be "my" Church (and here I speak not for just myself but millions of others) until it really thinks these problem areas through and rethinks the meaning of sin, free will, sex and normalcy, and the modern world. The Church does not ever have to adapt and adjust to a secular world -- but it at least needs to consider its own inertia on all the issues that affects and devalues the Church itself. 

Being Employed (WORKING) in America

In most ways the United States of America is the greatest place to work. Salaries on a world standard are consistently high in most professions -- though the reality of a "minimum wage" pours cold water on the entire system. If I were living in a country other than the USA I would be striving to emigrate there.

Opportunity, freedom of travel, education on a relatively inexpensive level, training for specific jobs usually available, the rights guaranteed by our Constitution, a relatively high standard of living -- all are possible here. But most Americans still complain -- and struggle with the realities they are facing. Perhaps it is the nature of human beings to be dissatisfied. Yesterday a young man from America (Illinois by way of Minnesota and California) died in Syria/Iraq fighting for ISIS!  That is a tragedy.

The immorality of war is heightened by the return to medieval standards dictated by backwards-facing religions cults. ISIS, the new Caliphate, is a sham -- an insult to civilization and humanity, to say nothing of its ridiculous posturing as the "true Muslim" faith. Everyone in the world who has a brain, including disaffected Americans, should be labelling ISIS for what it is: evil, consummate evil, masquerading as truth. There is no valid "other" opinion.

Dying for the ideals of ISIS is dying for nothing!   

Shattered or Sheltered

There is a "war" on for the hearts, minds and sensibilities of those in Eastern Europe: the Western-style capitalism (with its good and bad points), and the Putin-style oligarchy of the "shadow-USSR" era. Who will win? What will win over the minds of the people whose needs are much, much simpler.

People want a chance for a good life: freedom, or at least clarity in the pursuit of freedom; success beyond niggardly survival; satisfaction beyond the "minimum allowed by law." Absolutes used to rule the world. Everything was either "good" or "bad," "right" or "wrong," freedom or slavery, happiness or despair.

Now it appears "nothing is absolute!" And that phrase is the linchpin of the "new absolutes." Nothing is absolute; nothings is absolute; nothing is absolute.  Change is our only mantra; it is our only possibility. And adaptation is the only course that most of us can take.

Michael Brown Rest In Peace

His Mother said she felt his presence at his funeral this morning. I believe that is true. His presence invades the whole issue of young black men in America -- why are so many of them in prison, why are so many of them nearly unemployable, why are so many at risk for gang activities/drugs/violence?

Is it "of their nature" as many racists would have you believe? Is it because races are inferior or superior to other races? Is it because our schools are slanted to one style of education, one set of reference points, one point of view? What does it mean to be "young, gifted and black" in America these days? Nina Simone wrote a song with that title -- but the reference goes well beyond the song!

We see young black successful men in sports, in pockets of the business world, in communities that have succeeded to cultivating its resources for the good of all. We have seen young black men become successful community leader, successful ministers, successful Fathers, successful businessmen. What we have not seen is the dissipation of "white fear!"  Whites have been afraid of black success, and envious of it, for many decades in America. Whites are not so much racist as they are blinded by their own fears. It has been that way well beyond my lifetime. 

Are People Forgetting: Donetsk, Ukraine, Putin?

The front burner of world interest seems to last about a week or so -- no matter how many people are being killed -- when any new frightening disaster takes over the public interest.  At this moment, since an American newsman was "beheaded" by barbaric ISIS members, even our domestic racial riots in/near St. Louis are off the front pages for a time.

Public interest is so very fickle that no story, no horrible reality, no crisis, can hold our attention for very long. What determines public interest? Is it the newness -- or is it the fatigue factor at work on/during the current crisis? Are we all so shallow that we cannot hold several problems in our attention span at the same time?

"Network" -- the movie, got it right!  The New Thing -- no matter what it is -- is the most popular thing; the New Thing commands our interest almost completely until the next Newer Thing slides into view. It is an atrocious and sickening process -- as we slide from crisis to crisis, from tragedy to tragedy, until we are finally glutted from all such news, and withdraw and retreat. 

Are the deaths and injuries suffered in Donetsk not as important as Ferguson, MO? Does the beheading of one American journalist in the Middle East count for more than any number of lives elsewhere?  Are we just running out of compassion, and thus interest, in the rest of the world?

Metaphysics

What is -- beyond death? Beyond time? In my mind's eye? In the distortions of memory? In fantasy?
In deeply held beliefs? In the "place beyond normal?" In the sense of deja vu?

Who is -- God? My friend who died? My dead spouse? Those who think of me often? Those who think of me not-at-all? Me?

How can I justify the pain I feel in life? The sense of hope-without-end that inflicts the slow passage of time? The understanding of brevity that tortures those brief moments of happiness?

The Hipster Culture -- Same as Before

The recession and general disgust with what Baby Boomers have done with the world has brought about the long attenuated rise of the "new Hipster" culture.  In the past there were always offbeat, alternative styles of music, dress, food, living styles, etc. that belonged to the "out of power" class -- they were the "Hipsters" whether they were called Bohemians, Beat, Flower Children, or Hippies. 

They held to a certain unique style in most everything -- even when that style was derivative, or similar to, or even copied from some previous outlier. The problem with elements of culture that are "\Hipster" -- like gastronomy, or dance, or even theatre -- is that unless the "Hipster" can draw in bigger numbers, it is forever doomed to be a small offshoot rather than the main root. So "grunge" bands never became dominant, even in the rarefied rock world. And food flavors reduced by extreme cold to a vapor, or an ice cream; will never rise to make "mashed potatoes and gravy" ice cream any more than a sense-fooling novelty. 

And so it is with theatre. Violence without great writing: eventually will be recognized by all as vapid. Sex without soul, without real emotion, without love: equally vapid. And dynamism without humanity lent by real life experiences (not staged-life reality):  the same stale vapidity. The truth is in ourselves, not in our constructs! 

On the Intransigence of Pain

It never goes away -- that gnawing feeling that you have made a mistake; that sense that you have hurt someone unintentionally; that awful recollection that life is shallow and you are worth nothing; that incomprehensible vision of meaninglessness.

I don't like feeling that I am a useless creature. I work at overcoming that sensation and contributing to others. But often I fail. Or I am too arrogant in succeeding. Or something.

And then the sensation of anxious pain floods back in. I know it is the human condition. But it is not the best of conditions. Plato was perhaps right in many of his observations-- about life, about purpose, about a proper ending. Thinking and examining does give me solace. But very little else ever does. And the pain will always be there --intransigent, but not triumphant.   

ANXIETY

It is the ultimate human killer.  It can become panic, or it can be reduced to mere worry.  It can force us to do -- things we don't want to do (or think we don't want to do).  It is "stress incarnate" -- it is the "people killer." It is our curse.

Robin Williams: the Death of a Generation

Amidst all the war, the disease, the political quackery, and the seeming doom of "life as we know it" -- comes another blow, the suicide by hanging of Robin Williams. I have "seen" Robin Williams many times: in films, on television, even in person. But his talent -- his persona -- marks a different kind of passing. It is harder now to stay positive, knowing that a man who had so much would throw it all away (which he has a right to do). If he could do this -- what should we do? 

Are we stronger, or better suited, or more balanced -- than he was? We are certainly not as talented, not as connected, not as bright and active as he was. He was a kind of symbol of the best of us, the boomers, the Vietnam generation, the post WWII optimists! It's going to be a lot harder to remain an
optimist now -- knowing that the brightest among us have chosen to "cash it" and leave the table. 

I ask forgiveness for him -- if that is a real issue -- but more than that; I ask forgiveness for all of us who labor and falter in the same way(s). Robin: as you experience time without time, think of us still in a place, needing forgiveness. For what, I am not sure!

Slough of Despond or Just Monday

How trivial is one's own life? Does loneliness create more loneliness? Does the "weather" factor into our mood, our sense of hope, our joy?

The "slough of despond" was a phrase I have always remembered and held onto from my days in "Pilgrim" Literature -- Bunyan, Hawthorne,et al. The world is a horrible place; the human soul is born in sin and degradation; even "faith" is barely enough (with Christian belief) to save us. 

Monday morning's are the worst -- seemingly sapping all  hope before the week has even begun! We need to be saved -- but from what? Sin, life, being alone, being unconnected, love? Just what is it we need saving from? What is even possible, given this kind of beginning to our week? 

Brand Loyalty

Several times in my life I developed a "comic monologue" or "standup routine" for use in clubs and plays. One jokeline I used to work in was this: "I was born Democrat, Polish, Catholic and male -- not necessarily in that order!" It was a local joke for Milwaukee/Chicago and played off the fact that everyone born in a certain area of Milwaukee (and a different area of Chicago) were all of those things -- usually in a non-separated way. 

Those terms amounted to my "brand" -- my thought-package of self-description at the time. Since those times I have dropped "Catholic" as an adjective, have substituted other words for Polish and Democrat (since I am clearly not defined any longer by either of them). Even "male" is in doubt these days as I age into a more asexual mode of life. 

So too are world brands: are we truly Zionist or anti-Semitic any longer; or does that articulation work only for those who are categorical non-thinkers? Are we truly Palestinians, or Shi-ites, or Muslims, or Christians -- or do those "categories" slip away depending on our actions? The world is in "shambles" yet we insist on age-old time-honored and time-disgraced polarities!  A Chevrolet, after all, is not the best car in the world merely because I prefer it, or because I always buy one.

There should be no brand loyalty unless there is proof through action that the brand is still viable -- and the term(s) have not been falsified or corrupted by simple repitition.   

My Friend from Donetsk

The world is trembling at the war going on in Eastern Ukraine.  Families who are Russian-speaking, though consider themselves Ukrainian, are under fire from both the regular Ukrainian army/police, and from the Russian separatists who inhabit many of the towns in the area. It is a de facto civil war.

Or is it? Could it be that Russia herself is behind these "separatists" and is supplying them with guns, manpower, ammunition, high-tech missiles, and what-have-you military support to help lay the groundwork for a Russian takeover (as in the Crimea). Now that a civilian aircraft has been shot down over the the disputed territory -- the game of war intensifies.

Many Ukrainians on both sides of this issue are suffering -- and will continue to suffer as supplies of everything: (food, products, gasoline, heating oil, etc.) will continue to be in short supply. A "siege mentality" may be put in place until all factions (including the US, the EU, and all contiguous countries) beg for a solution -- and that solution could be Russian rule.

My "friend from Donetsk" is a scholar, a teacher, now also an American; but she is also a child of Ukraine, Donetsk, and her parents who bore her and still manage to survive there.

Putin -- let your higher brain take over; let there be peace!

Shambles

The world is in "shambles." That is not just my world, but your world, his world, her world, everyone's world... We have rampant senseless though always justified war going on in a dozen places in the world (or more) with threats of more wars inching forward.

ISIS, Syria, Afghanistan, Gaza, Israel, Sudan, Ukraine,Libya, Central Africa, Congress (specifically the Congress versus the White House), and more ... are all a concern! Russia wants to be a world power again -- and willingly bullies its way to that title. ISIS wants an Islamic State where women, children and all infidels are of no value! Northern Sudan wants to exterminate Southern Sudan (now a separate country)! Everywhere the chimes of war, underpinned by the endless cries of "fatwa" and "sharia law" ring out.

And then there is "Ebola"--a disease so frightening billionaires scream at doctors to keep those infected out of "our country." As if a disease can read borders; as if somehow we in America are not deserving of such a horror!

Religious fervor and intolerance seem more to echo the political bipolarity rampant in the US. The culture war in America has become a moral war -- verging on violence over issues such as abortion, gay marriage, privacy, the death penalty, contraception, health care, support for the poor, unemployment, social security, aging, illness, and "you name it!"

The world is in a shambles; how can we fix it? Can we fix it? Can we do anything?

The End of Sex as We Know It

Well, Cosmopolitan Magazine has finally come out with its cover story on "sex tips for lesbians"-- aren't we all proud of that barrier being broken? What does it mean when a popular women's magazine (sic) actually begins to acknowledge their hitherto held stereotype of all women everywhere just might be incomplete -- by inference. 

Soon we should all be following handbooks, tantric guides, and television-inspired listings on "how to succeed in our sex lives!" Could I have that on DVD please? Or perhaps "on demand?" Or maybe
"on my Pinterest page?" Yikes.

Sex is now deemed to be so "unnatural" that it cannot be left to mere instinct; desire, love, intimacy --- are no longer enough!!! It's time to get out the big guns -- we have health and fitness guides from every celebrity alive, why not "sex guides" from the same people?  Why aren't we asking Harrison Ford how he "gets it on" in his 70's? Who better that Meryl Streep to guide us in our love/sex problems? Or maybe Barbara Streisand for all the closeted among us? Or Matt Lauer? Or ... or ... or? 

Sex and Non-Clerical Celibacy

More and more people are alone -- they have chosen not to marry, not to have a partner, to subsist on occasional sex-capades, and to remain -- in effect -- celibate!

Some of the Baby Boomer crowd become "cat people" (crazy old ladies with cats or crazy old men with cats/dogs); some just drift into a solipsistic kind of lifestyle. Some of the younger (men and women in their late 20's or early 30's) just get frustrated by the burned-out dating pool existent nowadays and deem themselves asexual, or non-functioning sexual, or "alone by choice;" some others actually live with someone -- apparently to have an excuse to kvetch and carp, or to remain alone while together, or to simply wait for "make-up sex" (see sex-capades above).

The only group still "doing it" are high schoolers (where the "drama" fits their lifestyles) or senior citizens (after all, who can stop them now?).

What's wrong with sex? What's wrong with us? Are relationships that impossible to maintain? (No wonder birth rates are falling in the US!)

Uncertainty

? Not being sure? Being unsure? Being lost? Being alone? Being confused? Being near the end? Just starting and not knowing? Being left out? Being unappreciated? Being without ... hope? Being without...love? Being without? Being outside? Not knowing the endgame? Not appreciating the process? Not seeing the forest...nor the trees?

Being single? Being singular? Being in doubt? Living on ... anyway? Seeking the truth? Doubting? Trusting in the depths that are human character? Asking the wrong questions? Asking the wrong person? Asking the unaskable? Never appreciating the simplicity of the answers? Wanting more? Failing to heed one's own warnings? Failing to see the signs? Working in the wrong direction? Working for the wrong purpose? For the wrong people? For the wrong ideals? For the wrong man?
For the wrong woman? For the wrong god? ???

Why Men Give Up!

While I was working as Associate Director of Hospice Savannah Foundation, an esteemed Board Member and contributor to Hospice lost his wife of many years to cancer. He was an architect/developer and quite wealthy.  Since his personal situation mirrored mine only a few years later I watched as he carefully poured himself back into work, avoided the many females who wanted to "comfort" him, and reimagined his life as one of service and success.

I had done the same -- even though due to different circumstances, I had tried to date. Tried and failed -- because I either "picked people" for the wrong reasons (they were empathetic or I knew them to be kind), or I was convinced that a relationship "again" would be the answer. Now I think, after several years, I see and know the answer. Men give up on women because later in life women have already given up on men! They have lived without them for long enough, or substituted small furry animals for them (see previous post), that they know longer think they need them. They opt instead of images of satisfaction and/or mechanical ones.

Love forsaken is love forsworn! Love forsworn is the natural outcome of love forsaken!

Crazy Old Cat Ladies

Women with cats -- often equals women without men. Why? Perhaps the indefinable mystery that lies at the root of a cat's brain simulates that of a reluctant man? Perhaps the cat's seeming independence, odd behavior, and merciless "running around at night" -- recalls the similar behaviors in a male.Whatever!

All I know is that as a widower the two women I have dated in their 50's are both "cat ladies" and both have strayed so far from what I would consider normal behavior as human beings, that they have infringed upon the time-honored image of "crazy old ladies with cats." I remember as a young newspaperboy delivering the Milwaukee Sentinel more than a half century ago that there was a woman on my route like that -- except that she had many, many cats. Most of them were orange tabbies and most of them resided on her front porch for three seasons of the year, and then cried unremittingly indoors during the wintry months. These cats were inscrutable, seemingly malevolent, and downright scary.  As was the woman!

Cats perhaps "do that" to women without normal gender connections!

Humbled by Knowledge

Every time I learn, I grow and diminish at the same time. I grow in understanding, information, and even in making connections between/among facts, people, things, etc. I diminish in my strength of mind to grasp it all -- to put everything in its place -- to comprehend and see the meaning in everything.

I am human -- and am limited in being humbly and stupidly finite. I am small where even largeness would succumb to despair at its place in the "more and more largeness" of structures beyond myself.

I am at least large enough to know that I am not the largest, and small enough to grasp that I must and can still grow larger.

Finding a Job

Just interviewed a "young professional" today as a possible new teacher at STC.  Since he was on staff already in another area I was letting him know about the contents of this course he might be asked to teach (EMPL 1000). 

I had to give him his cover letter and his resume/CV back because both contained major errors: the cover letter was actually to another person at another school for a different position, the CV had a major error misnaming where he was working now (which happened to be the name of our institution). Yikes.

How can you teach a course in being professional when you yourself are not same? How indeed?

Time Sucks Life

Paris Hilton doesn't look the same anymore; I don't look the same anymore; no one looks the same anymore. Time really does "suck the life" out of us all.  Our looks change; our reaction time lengthens; all of our abilities, to some degree, degrade!

That is the temporal condition -- those of us stuck in time, as creatures of mass and energy, will all degrade until we lose that mass and perhaps even that energy. We will be transformed, somehow, into something we don't know about yet. Some among us have "faith" that it will be a more-refined kind of earth; others of us believe in an "after-life" so esoteric or happily-faith-centered that it is unintelligible to most of us, given our present state of human understanding (and confusion).

So, gravity will rule our bodies. Our cells will begin to function badly, if at all. Our blood pressure will seriously change and for some, implode. For others our ways of knowing and our actual knowledge will both diminish -- and we will end, unwillingly, bereft of most of what we have grown to expect of ourselves.  Age will become a slowly ebbing tide rushing out to a vast uncaring sea.  Can we conquer or at least attune ourselves to this process? I think we can. 

Happy Departure

Robert Smith, (aka "Bob Smith"), is leaving STC today. Bob has been a respected and contributing adjunct "reading" professor here in Savannah for a long time. He is leaving to finally finish a Doctorate from North Dakota in his chosen field, and will eventually a "degreed expert" in an area where he is already a practical one.

Bob is a former banker -- with a strong and abiding interest in his students, their struggles in completing their educations, and the whole process of uplifting lives through basic education.  Bob will find North Dakota winters hard, but the people warm and friendly. Because of the shale-oil boom there will be a diverse population up there responding to a booming state and local economy. Hope it all works out for Bob-- I for one will miss him. Ave atque vale!

Settling Down...

At a certain time in every one's life they yearn to "settle down" and let their lives take their natural course. I "settled down" first when I came to grips with my dyslexia, learning difficulties, reading, and school in general at a very young age. Years later I "settled down" and realized I could not overcome this "sexual awakening thing" and that it might take a lifetime to understand my own and other people's sexual desires, wants, etc. That turned out to be true indeed.

In eighth grade I "settled down" and aimed myself for the best private high school in the state of Wisconsin -- Marquette University High School. Took the admissions test; earned the money for the first year of tuition; got there/did that. I then "settled down" in college and decided I would pursue all my interests: English, Math, Languages, Morality, and anything new that came along. A stay in Italy and exposure to deep Jesuit pedagogy meant that Theatre and Philosophy both came along. I double majored/double minored to include all my interests. I took advanced seminars when I should probably have been taking basic courses (my Advisor at Marquette didn't care; he had a part-time job as a game show host [no, seriously]). I "settled down" and made connections among all my fields of endeavor. 

Graduate school came with a Woodrow Wilson Fellowship, lots of offers in lots of fields, and Research and Teaching Assistantships first in Philosophy (Ethics, Logic, Aesthetics) then in Theatre at a second graduate school (University of Wisconsin - Madison) (Acting, Acting Styles, Stagecraft, Directing). I had "settled down" to be an academic bonus baby.  Lots of offers came with that too -- some good, most of them a bit corrupt ("carry coffee for me and I'll make you a star").

There is more "settling down" in future posts. I will stop right here now. 

The Feminine Mystique

What does it mean to be a female? (From a male's point of view -- this is a tremendous mystery). Aside from anatomical differences, and hormonal differences to support the anatomical -- there are elemental "value" differences that leave male observers breathless, perplexed, and stunned into silence.

Body image, beauty, weight, skin clarity, health -- these issues are the concern of both genders, but not the "same" concern. Men won't react to their own "bad skin" unless it is peopled with things that look like cancer or move about on their own. Men routinely develop the "pot belly" of middle age and, though trying mightily to wish it away, rarely go to the extremes of "vacuuming the fat cells off" or serious lifestyle (diet and exercise) changes. Why? Not because they don't wish for a slimmer body -- but because they truly can't do it -- too many obstacles: work, time, energy, etc. And simply -- they don't see the need for it!

That makes men vain in a curiously ironic way; or stupid, in a predictably lazy way; or just plain simple. Men try to live "in the moment" but often don't clearly see the moment they are in. Yikes.
Blinded by the light of their own brilliantly momentary confusion!

On the Day I Die

The world won't weep. Some people might. My enemies, if there are any; will rejoice. My friends will wonder. Some will ask "why?" Others won't care a whit.

I will wonder "what was it all for?" I will learn the truth about heaven and hell. I will not have regrets. I will try to be at peace. I will forgive everyone. Many will not forgive me. All the time I spent trying to do positive things will be remembered, but not by me. And I will choose to "go on" into whatever comes after.

If "nothing" comes after; so be it. If another life comes after; so be it. If punishment or reward comes after; I can do nothing to change it at all. The metaphysics of my life would then be complete. 

What are we to believe when we can know nothing of these things?

Sex Tape

How many of you out there have wanted to star in your own sex tape? The recent new movie starring Cameron Diaz underlies that question. Why would anyone want to "be in" a sex tape? To preserve pictures of their finest moments perhaps, or scenes when their bodies were at their best? To remind and reinforce the fact that they "still have it?" Just to "show off?"

Why a sex tape? Why did Paris Hilton do a sex tape? Why do countless unnamed boy/girl friend combinations do a sex tape? Is it thrilling? Is it a high point in their sensual lives? Do they relive the erotic and sensual feelings every time they watch it? Why? Why not? Do they really want others to see the tape --- and enjoy it?

Will this "tape" then follow you throughout your career -- keeping you from future employment maybe, or a future relationship, or a future "teaching job" now that your "reputation has been compromised?" Why does sexual activity, especially legal sexual activity, compromise one's ability to work with kids, or college students, or anyone for that matter? Why is the world hung up on sex and totally disenfranchised when sex is accessed?

Priests, Pedophiles, the Catholic Church, and Celibacy

Pope Francis is a courageous man; and some would argue a traitorous Pope! Why? Admitting that there are pedophiles in the celibate priesthood, is tantamount to being a traitor to the lie that has held together Catholic "sexual policy" for the past two hundred years.

It is a known fact that Americans as a whole, are more Puritan than open about sex. Americans loathe real honesty about sexuality -- because then they might have to admit their addictions to porn, infidelity, birth control, etc. in the face of tremendous pressure to preserve the family, sex-only-inside-marriage, and other fictions. There are families of course -- but they do not gleam like the 1950's All Electric Kitchen, nor do they cross all facets of sexual persuasion each time like "Modern Family."
American families are just normal, messy, sometimes-screwed-up, sometimes-unfaithful, always interesting groupings of people under pressure -- people in love -- people who lust. 

Even worse than the ironic American view of sex, is the Catholic Church's absolutely mythic view of sex by rubric; sex ex cathedra, sex without compassion, sex without understanding. How does the Catholic Church deal with those who are born different (hermaphrodites, or those "wired" gay facing a straight dictum, or those who are duly attracted to both sexes?). The answer is simple: "not very well."

If you happen to be an American Catholic, like I was for so long -- you are truly confused and ashamed about just about everything you understand and don't understand about sex. You must find your own way -- neither the Church nor your American upbringing can be your guide!

Does Anger Really Motivate?

"I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!  I'm mad as hell and I'm simply not going to take it anymore! I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!" The screaming mantra from the iconic film "Network" was the harbinger for the modern age.

We now routinely utter those words -- not just about television programming, but everything: politics, religion, stupid government officials, stupid religious officials, people in authority anywhere, teachers, ministers, friends, lovers, children, parents, siblings, all stupid people, selfish people, bartenders, waitresses, etc. etc. etc. The list is the list of everything and everybody!

 Everything and everybody makes us "mad" -- and we can't do anything about it, which makes us "madder still." Could all this anger possible motivate each of us, as a kind of individual protest, to try to be the outlier, the difference-maker, the odd-guy-out, who could begin the process of changing the entire system? Is that possible?  I'll do my part if you will!!!

What I Miss...

Sleep. Energy. Knowledge about what I should be doing. Knowledge about what I am doing. Certain lovers. My wife Sheila. My sister Linda. My daughter Tosha. A sense of completion. Joy.

A good night's sleep. A better night's sex. A peaceful moment with no worries. No worries. Being happy for others. A sense that "all is right with the world." Sincerity. Truth. The right to be listened to. Speaking that accomplishes what it seeks. Friends in different places. Family, also in different places. People whom I love. People who love me. The touch of real affection. Kindness. Compassion.
Someone to be compassionate about. Someone to be good to.

A life of meaning. A life without administrivia. A joyous laugh. An expression from someone without irony, without hypocrisy, without lies. A kiss that means something. Holding hands. Giving out gifts to others. A healthy day. A happy day. A rested day. Sleep. 

On the Death of Death

I would like to be able to declare the "death of death" right here, right now!  Why does the end of mere "life" have such a truncating effect on us, cutting off rational thought; making inquiry so seemingly useless?

I declare that "death is DEAD" by virtue of it simple unimportance, accept at its moment of acceptance, its moment of actuation. When we die; then we can worry about death! Before that moment all we can do is live to it!

A woman I didn't even know except by sight; a fellow-faculty person here at Savannah Technical College -- is dying this very day in Hospice Savannah -- of a head injury and subsequent operation several days ago. In her mind, where I am sure she mostly resides now -- death is coming, but it is not yet here. Death is dead to her until she must accept it -- when life gives up its post to death. What is beyond only "death" can say! 

Wild World

We live in a wild world. Changes have accelerated over the past several years -- sides have been polarized between and among major religions; and positions have also been polarized within major religions. The issues are startlingly clear:  the rights of women and children; women's rights to their own bodies; the rights of the unborn; the idea and fact of gender dominance; religious war and/or "fatwah's" for nearly any/every reason; inequality between peoples, tribes, generations, economic castes, sexes, and every other significant dividing factor you can name.

Hell has broken loose -- our entertainment on television, on You Tube, and in films reflects those same intransigent divisions back in our faces! It seems we cannot escape conflict in any phase of our lives: in what we have faith in, in our families, in the values held by our country, in our own values.
Even the US Supreme Court litters the landscape of truth with the exaggerated political mottoes of closely-held views.  Statesmanship, honor, and mutual respect seem to have fallen away. 

The world no longer honors honesty, or idealism, or compassion. It instead roots itself only in economic perfectibility built by capitalism --- the "bottom line" is now the only line you will ever hear expressed.  God bless America!

A Short Sweet Rant to an Unnamed Lover

Remember  --- I am not that horrible brother, I am not your father, I am not Doug, I am not Dave, I am not anyone else -- just me!

Life to me is always to be lived fully --- to be used up, to the very last drop!  That doesn't mean I will spend my time on the world's most aggressive bucket list; nor will I continue to continue with every kind of habit and repeating detail. I will change; I can change. But I always hope to change for the better, for the clearer, for the smarter, for the more useful. I owe my life to something greater than me -- I do believe that the something is there, and is a part of my future, but it also does not determine my future.  I am free. Free to screw up; free to make mistakes; free to triumph!

Always remember -- as long as I live I intend to be the kind of person that makes decisions that make me proud. I intend to remain as unselfish as possible, and as careful. I intend to live fully. 

Thanks for Birthday Wishes

For Linda -- thank you for being there. For Tosha -- just "thank you." For my Gemini "friend" -- also thanks. 

The Rush of Life

It's all going by too fast!  I can't hold on much longer!  I don't know how today will end, much less this week, or this month. Or this lifetime!

When all our duties collide with all our desires, and both are overtaken by our lack of an abiding energy -- and life moves so swiftly that even the blur is blurred to a pixel flood in the mind's eye -- at that point you know things are out of control. Hyperbole, hyperbole, hyperbole!

How can one slow down -- maybe get a few things done -- maybe see a beautiful moment; really see it! Meditate and make that one slow picture happen! For yourself. For your joy. For your health. For you. 

The Extremes of American Politics

The Tea Party elements on the "Right" -- the ultra-progressives of the Democratic party on the "Left"-- both sides too hung up on their principles to understand or sometimes even consider the ordinary problems faced by real people, real groups, and the country as a whole.  People isolate themselves in their ideologies and run around like small children with their fingers in their ears screaming "I don't hear you; I don't hear you!" And then they proceed to demonize the opposite side or sides as un-American, or Socialist, or Communist, or un-Christian! 

Normalcy and problem-solving do not lie on the extreme edges of American politics!  Yet everyone in any party seem to kowtow to those extremes -- paying homage out of fear, or out of single-minded stupidity. Sometimes the thought is: "if I keep saying these stupid things aloud long enough, more and more people will come to believe them, or at least the argument(s) with have shifted in my direction."

The extremes have worked their way into the major parties and splintered the ideas of "compromise" and "progress." When progress is somehow accidentally or even blindly achieved, it is never enough for one wing or the other to stop them from condemning whatever change is introduced. We are at a political stalemate. That makes us all political morons. 

Approaching Another Birthday

I think I have the Buddhist slant on age -- it is what it is!  I don't try to pretend I am younger than I really am; I don't try to duplicate activities I did 30 years ago; I don't pretend or even imagine I will live forever.  As I drove to a Conference yesterday in Macon, GA with a colleague -- I was struck with how different our viewpoints were about: planning, thinking about retirement, death, illness, etc.

I have made many mental decisions concerning any diagnosis of "terminal illness" for myself.  I would not allow for disease to create fighting over "any life at all" for myself!  I would want and only accept a quality of life that I could endure and yet still be open to learning, experiences, and all the joys of living.

I would not live --- just so that I would not die! 

Life is precious and it is to be used up, fully, by every participant.  If it is not -- than what is it for? If life is precious only when we are about to lose it -- than what was it for? If life is only precious during its final moment -- than how does it differ from simple fear of death? Of course, I will be afraid when I am facing death -- that is human! But I will not allow that fear to force me to grasp at straws -- "any kind of life at all." I will try to die full of life!

Coulda Hadda V8!!!

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood," blah, blah, blah! Sure, I have regrets; lots of them. So many times I have made a decision only to have to "live up to it later" even as others question it. I find that my instincts guide me pretty well during the initial decision, no matter how far out of line it might be to ordinary thinking. Justifying and understanding my own decision-process is a slower matter, and requires careful review of why my mind "jumped" in one direction or another. Usually I wind up either being pleased with my initial jump, or able to stomach it even though it might have been a bit of a stretch. 

We will always be in the situation where "we coulda hadda V\8!" So what? Anybody keeping score?
Someone suing us for lack of healthy eating/drinking? It is our own lack of trust in ourselves that attempts to condemn us for taking one path as opposed to another!

So, if "two roads diverge in a yellow wood" don't dawdle -- take either one, and come back and take the other one later if you must!

Life's Timing is Awful... and Wonderful... and Survivable

On most days I have just learned to laugh...and survive. The computer "goes out" just when one needs it the most --- in the midst of school registration the entire program used to register students is offline for days and we are instructed to: "keep registering students as before." Hah! How does one do that?

You go to DMV to have your driver's license renewed -- and now suddenly have to have your "birth certificate" in hand because of a new state law passed to catch "voter fraud" where no "voter fraud" exists -- but "voter suppression" of older folks who haven't seen their birth certificates in 40 years is a certainty! Political maneuvering of voter and license registration should be a crime. Gerrymandering should also be a crime. Profiting from regulations like these, either for a political party or for an individual, should be jailable offenses!

Karma interferes -- a person like me is lucky enough to have a sibling like Linda who gets me through the absolutely maddening points of bureaucracies -- gets my birth certificate sent to me via UPS -- but then, hold on; they only deliver their packages when they want -- so: "be there (at home) or tough luck." Situation finally saved by a very conscientious delivery man for UPS who works well after dark to rectify the situation (ie deliver the package) and save my driver's license.

Of course it doesn't end there -- because the DMV looks at my birth certificate (really) and asks where it is from -- and if it's a legal document, and if it is real, and where is Milwaukee (is it real?),
and...and... you get the idea. In the South, everything they haven't heard of is probably in Canada, or Afghanistan, or on the Moon, or....  Oh, my God -- what a series of adventures we all undergo!

Carol Johns

I am always struck by the self-appointed "preachers" among us --- those who by sheer bravado or arrogance make themselves the advisers of all of the rest of us.  I have a cousin by marriage who actually wrote a comment to me about a post I made "on heaven" expressing my frustration and doubts about what is to come in my life. She responded to me as if I were a child. Not all doubts are childish; nor are they misinformed, or wrong--just because they are different than your beliefs. 

Carol sent me an unsigned response -- first begging my pardon for her perceived sin(s) against me and my family (and hers) and then counseling me on what is to come.  I know that no matter how informed she is by Faith; she still does not know what is to come, for me, or you, or herself. She trusts in her "felt" faith whereas the rest of us humans trust in what all our thoughts, feelings and ideas tell us.

Carol may be a believer; but she is not infallible. Nor is she wrong -- just because she believes. She is wrong in her attempts to lead people who have different beliefs than she does. She is wrong because she cannot imagine that anyone could believe as fiercely as she does, and believe differently. And that is her most human of errors.The sin is called "presumption."

Iraq --- a New Tragedy

More fighting; more devastating and heartbreaking murder; more blood in the sand!  And for what?
Because my "religious background" is truer than yours? Because my "faith" is bloodier than yours?

Muslims killing Muslims is not the way any knowing "God" would want human history to work out.
Anyone killing anyone is not the way of anyone's faith -- and if it is, than that "faith" is not of God but of man's own lust for power. Men think they hear the echoes of faith when they are actually listening to their own small minds grown bloated with self-worth! Phoney self-worth!  Phoney faith!

War is a tragedy filled with many other tragedies -- war crimes, killing combatants and non-combatants without conscience,  crimes against humanity, crimes against morality, crimes against reason, crimes against life! Stop, stop, stop -- stop all of it now!!!

Carey, Bertina (Part III)

How does a story continue without further contact among the characters? Easily!  How does memory happen? How does life continue to flow even when the nagging frustrations appear to overcome all sense, and all normalcy? Why do thoughts linger in our brains? Why does our desire never cease to stir us into regret, or satisfaction unsatisfied?

Bertina was and is perhaps my second "soul mate" --- so why did I resist that fact; why did I decide the relationship was "impossible?" I'm afraid the answer is complex -- a combination of circumstances, life's experiences (for both of us), and distance -- these have created the answer. You cannot have what will kill you --- or it will kill you. You should not love that one person who may not know they love you -- but would hurt you at a moment's notice, simply out of ignorance and antipathy towards themselves. You will not willingly hurt yourself -- for any promised promise of happiness. Lying is not an option in life -- truth is what keeps us free and able to be ourselves. 

World Gone Mad

Make a quick list: Syria, Iraq, Oklahoma tea partiers, Texas anti-gay politicos, Republican move off to the extreme right, blaming Obama for everything, McCain on war/peace/anything, talk radio, talking heads on Fox, Pat Robertson, religions that honor ignorance, violence towards women everywhere, stupidity about science, Bush 43, neo-conservatives and their views, the Tea Party fools,
wars in Middle East/Africa/Crimea/Ukraine/etc., unrestrained capitalism, the 1% resisting giving the poor a living minimum wage, etc. etc. etc.

It is Friday the 13th and a Full Moon -- and the world is "madder" than usual. 

Berlin...and Dachau

I lived for a too-brief time in Europe during the 1960's. Going to "college" at Loyola University in Rome during that time allowed for quire a bit of travel time throughout the Continent.  And my favorite city in the world during that time -- was Berlin -- a choice of many a weekend train ride from Italy. This was the time before the Wall came down obviously, and I used my many trips there to walk nearly the entire city -- from barricade to barricade.  

The zoo, the Kurfurstendamm, the night clubs, the history, the theatre, the life, the food, the beer-- were all much suited to me.  It was in Berlin that I first noticed the easy mixing of races in couples in countless social settings. In Berlin I first noticed the wildness of sexual experimentation and conquest. In Berlin I also first understood "history" -- for good of for bad -- with the bombed-out cathedral there, the many indicators or WW II, and the frank and horrible admission of the Holocaust.  But only later when I visited Dachau did I really understand the fight in Europe in WW II. The large scale pictures and remaining buildings at Dachau are burned into my memory in a visceral and permanent way.

I don't feel at all superior to the acts portrayed and indicated there -- I feel sorry, on behalf of humanity, for all those who died -- and for all those who were "guilty."  We were all as guilty as those German military leaders who instigated the pogrom -- the world was complicit by willful ignorance and cultural stupidity. We chose not to know...

Puritanical America

I have long thought that America is still encrusted with Puritanical guilt, and rife with Puritanical "opinions" about sex. Such opinions are the root of many people's seeming disgust over any "sex" that is outside the norm.

Puritanical thinking establishes that norm as a strict pseudo-biblical aversion to sex outside of marriage, any sex that uses contraception, any "gay" sex, any sexual positions or placements outside of the "missionary," and any sex that challenges the current "within the contract" thinking. Sex is bigger than religion -- more basic, more human, more of our nature -- it is as essential as eating, sleeping, or any elemental physiological function. 

Every constrictive religion (like Puritanism, Catholicism, Muslim teaching, etc.) tries to shape sex within and only within its own cultural habits. So all birth control is forbidden for use by Catholics; and yet the majority of Catholics use and understand the necessity for birth control. All sex outside of approved rituals is forbidden to Muslims; and yet Muslim women continue to strain the bonds of gender-driven control.

What should we as individuals be doing about our sexual desires? We should be using our intelligence, our emotions, and our own innate understanding of our human nature
to dictate and control our own actions. That should be the reason why certain acts should be forbidden: incest, or sexual snuff films, or sex with children for example. 

Sex is not a sin -- it is a gift that humans have been given to use, wisely and in respectful control. Men and women should have equal control over their own sexuality.   

Don't Read This...Now!

Started this blog a long time ago not knowing if anyone would ever read it.  And frankly, I don't care if anyone ever does read it. 

Why?

I am writing it for me -- to assuage my own sensibilities; to ponder my own questions; to regret my own actions.  It is only tangentially about life, the world, the way other people are, or  just about things. That fact doesn't make it any less important -- it just makes it mine first, yours only if you want it to be.

This blog is also an instrument of my own personal history -- my past, my ideas, my mistakes, my triumphs. It will never be a comprehensive history, nor a particularly focused one. My thinking is pretty much all over the block. But it will be an honest one -- an honest portrayal of what is troubling me at a given moment in time.   

Missing Lost Loves

Without getting maudlin -- I miss Sheila N. Mrochinski.  She died in December, 2006 and she was the center of my life. She was not the only woman I have ever loved, but she was the truest, the finest, the most compassionate and forgiving. 

There were other "chances" both before Sheila and after. Before She there was a whole range of women I knew and respected at Interlochen --- I was unready or unable to commit during that time, so lovers like Helen, or Kathryn, or Jeanne, or Pat "went away" and lived their own lives without me. Some other women flitted into my life during that time for a few moments: Peggy, and Carlene, and a few others -- they did not "stick." Kris, Kate, and even Tina were especially disappointing and enervating during that same time frame.

And all those women cycled through my life during the 9 years I was at Interlochen.
So many "chances" and so many choices; so many successes and so many failures.