One former lover, the crazy one, has finally gotten married. That was the best I could hope for her -- after our own "relationship" deteriorated into chaos and backbiting. We were the "wrong match" -- not just because she was a Gemini, and I a Cancer. But because we have known each other in two phases of life -- one nearly 40 years ago -- and then again in the near-present. We hoped we would be the same -- and we were not. Or, we were, and we just never knew each other "that way" 30 odd years ago, when she was a near child -- and I was a smitten former teacher.
And then there was Kitty. She and I could have been a couple -- a permanent couple. But I was not ready -- and I did not understand how physically "right" we were for each other. And there was Susan; but we were both "married" and I was incapable of violating my vows. There were several others: Helen (a dancer I loved, and often hungered for); Cathy (who was the right girl at the wrong time); and Maureen (once married, totally afraid); Peggy (cute, but undone by her own previous and continuously troubling relationships -- she married her MSW teacher; hoped that helped with her grades at MSU); and then there was She. Spectacular, kind, loving, balanced "She." She was better than me -- and I did not deserve her; and I don't think I was the best husband for her. Part of her "family" loved me (thank you ET) and part did not (Millie, I was a better person than you thought I was).
She was the high point of my life -- and I could have easily died when she did. I wanted that; I thought it was the best thing for me. But it was not to be. I lived on, bedeviled and obstructed by the "things" we had earned together. And which now she could not enjoy as she richly deserved. And I live on, trying to justify my continued existence by some level of knowledge, some modicum of kindness, some good outcome. And I long for the past -- sometimes my many pasts. But they are gone. And I am here. And so...I live. For now. Resist, resist, resist!
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