On Trembling in Time

Listened to a serious make-up speech on "physician-assisted suicide" today from a young African-American single Mom. Not only was it a good speech technically -- it also exuded thought, seriousness of purpose, and a wealth of experiences with life and death.

I enjoyed the speech -- but more than that, I enjoyed the humanity of the person delivering it -- and my own humanity in understanding the concepts and measuring them with the yardsticks of: faith, truth, compassion, and understanding. We are seemingly but poor creatures ultimately dependent on a much larger hand (God, god, time, karma, fate, what-have-you).

But whatever we are -- and wherever we stand -- we are human; and free; and good; and able to deal with our "present" if not our future. We are what we are.

Thanks!

All a person can do sometimes is just say "thanks." Thanks for my past failures, and successes. Thanks for my friends then, and now.  Thanks for all the love that has been lavished on me, and all that I have lavished on others.

Thanks for another day, another minute, another hour. Thanks for allowing me to speak my mind, and suffer the consequences for it. 

Thanks for being alive. 

Tosha -- Another Victory

I'm pleased enough right now to write one of those horrible overblown family Christmas letters featuring my daughter Tosha -- achieving in theatre, but now on a regional stage in Chicago.  Tosha is a wonderful person and a blooming artist -- with plenty of administrative skills to fall back on.

Her entry into the mid-level of Chicago theatre politics should bring her enough "name recognition" to parlay into a real sustainable career over the next few years.  In addition to that -- she just does not "settle" for less than the best -- what a testament to her self-honed aesthetics. 

Of course I am biased -- she is my daughter and I love her. But my bias does not have blinders -- I have seen the sweat, the work, the angst, the heartbreak and the triumph. And at least for now, all of them seem worth the opportunity (to risk everything and succeed or fail on a higher level). 

Still Sick But...Getting Better

This post will have nothing to do with "getting sick" or "being sick!"  It is all about being ready for the next step -- no matter where you are, or what you are doing.  The next step is always, by comparison, a kind of "getting better." 
Some things are always "getting better" but are never "good enough...!"

Being Sick

Being physically ill and still performing all my various duties at school, and after school, is not an easy matter. At one time in my youth I could continue to move by sheer focus of will and forgetting all obstacles. Not so now.

I need to drag my feverish body along -- pick it up -- and just keep myself playing, the game, of life, and death. My eyes are watering and I continue to move -- forward, every forward.  Trying always to do my best -- to achieve -- to help.  Trying...always. 

Dreamlog

I have a cold -- and I have DayQuil. And it appears that I am in a slightly hazy dream. It is warm outside -- nearly 80 degrees, and not quite right for November 18th -- but there it is. 

And this is my Dreamlog. What or Who am I dreaming of? Skirt sliding down over new tights/hose; a woman too pretty to be alone; all in black. With a cold, like mine.  I know her name but it is not for this blog -- taboo. 

Not Knowing the Game

As a small child I suffered mightily with a condition known as dyslexia.  I could not read, and I seemingly could not learn to read. All the little markings on the page either appeared fuzzy or cloudy to my eyes, or they made no sense at all to others when I tried to reproduce them by rote copying. My grade school teachers, mostly nuns, appeared to assume I was not trying hard enough and found numerous ways to punish me: dunce caps, sitting in the corner, keeping my hands on the front of my desk, going to the dreaded Vice-Principal's office, etc.  Life was hell -- every day, for me, in those horrible days.

Nuns sometimes tried to be "nice" and "patient" with me but soon gave up because of my total inability to concentrate  (ADD as well I fear). So I got in trouble; lots of trouble.  I got sent home; my parents had to come in; I got expelled. More than once.

My life with women was similar.  I have always been fascinated by women, and respectful of them (that was one lesson that took, probably in high school), and even slightly amazed by them. They thought differently -- in some areas of life (like sensually or even sexually) they were bolder, much bolder, than I was.

And I was incapable of really figuring them out -- making sense of them in my terms.
With some women (like the infamous Bertina) I was powerless to figure out the game -- so I just "played it straight" and said what I thought. And was misinterpreted, resisted, condemned -- for my stupid simplicity. But that was all I ever had -- simple truth. And it never, ever worked. 

Why Men Mainipulate Women

Power, sex, control -- and maybe even some understanding of a gender they cannot quite comprehend.  I don't believe men (even those who think themselves superior in all or some respects, i.e. chauvinists) really know what women are about.  Women have always had to use guile and stealth and circuitous thinking to secure what they want.

Men typically try to use logic (often flawed) and then loudness of voice  or simple "miles gloriosus" kind of energy to secure what they want. I am a man -- I know how we think. I know the kinds of strategies we fall back on. And many of our strategies (as many of the female kind) make me just a bit ashamed of being quite so flawed and inauthentic. 

I am pretty sure I have lost the will to manipulate women -- even though I can still notice when they are trying to manipulate me. 

Why Women Manipulate

Recently I watched a colleague "work the system" so that she could appear to get sympathy, while she secretly finally got her work done.  I bear no animosity for such behavior -- I just shudder to think about it. Why? Because even though it solves several problems at once, and seems justified give our over-scheduled and over-demanding jobs -- it is at once both inauthentic and an outright lie.

In personal relationships as well women can sometimes "play the expectations game" and withhold friendship, love, or even simple communication while they "work the system" with someone else first. I have had that happen to me too many times. Now, as a man, have I also "worked the system" in the love/friendship world. I don't think I ever have. Why? Authenticity is important to me -- not for purposes of "self-aggrandizement" or arrogant sophistry, but for real reasons like "being true to one's own nature."

Is it in the nature of women to manipulate?  As long as I have studied women (my entire life) I think I can now come to the conclusion, albeit reluctantly, that women do manipulate, and they appear to love doing it. It is their way perhaps to beat the male-dominated and controlled "system."

Complexification

Life gets more and more wound up -- events clash with other -- opinions, even of enemies, at times melt into each other and at other times seem to signal all-out conflagration. The world seems at war with itself.

And no one person can apparently offset the mayhem.  No loving relationship can survive the carnage. No single thought can inspire the nations. There is always an alternative view; always a new way that doesn't require the same discipline; always a time for exercising your option. Life doesn't get better (or worse) only more so...

And we are left alone to ponder the outcome -- and pray for calm. 

Sex and Work

No, not "sex at work" but "sex and work!"  Two activities that clutter the mind most of the time and take up any usable energy the rest of it -- sex and work define us.  How we handle our sex lives determines how happy we can be, or will be. How we handle our work ethic pretty much determines whether or not we can achieve our goals with an open and clear mind. 

Sex and work.  I like them both and would willingly spend all my time on either of them, if I would not somehow be deprived of the other. 

De Chardin Was Right

Pierre Teillhard de Chardin was right. Things are getting more and more complex, more and more intertwined. As life increases in speed things begin to connect at more and more common points, and life just seems to spiral in on itself. Amazingly human beings don't keep up with the complexification, they just seem to endure it without really noticing. 

And the upshot of all this speed and over-connecting? Human beings often cannot make distinct decisions without impacting every other part of their lives, and the lives of nearly everyone they are connected to. This evolution is a stunning look at progress in a very inhibiting environment. As we crowd in upon each other we connect, as we connect we become a part of each other, as we become part of each other we either accept or reject our new status. We become altruistic, or solipsistic. The choice is ours.    

In Confusion There is ...More Confusion

This is the "craziness" part of the semester; when students suddenly get very unsatisfied about their classes, their grades, their schedules, their work, and the results of all of the previous on their lives. Students complain about their teachers; teachers complain about their students. 

Yikes.

The world has NOT gone mad; it has just gotten tired from too many school days in a row, with too little time off. Don't let the motif upset the focus; don't let the tail wag the dog. Do what you always do, and do it as well as you can.