In Deference to Women

"Fascinated" is the word I would choose; yes, I have always been "fascinated" with women. Mainly because they are so different -- physically, emotionally, psychologically.  When I was very young I thought there were few differences between women and men, boys and girls.  I was still fascinated, but more scared of or scared away by the obvious differences.

Now as an adult I am no longer scared -- but still fascinated.  I admit freely that I don't really understand how most women think, and even though a few of them have tried to tell me how I think, I am convinced that they don't really think like I do either. It's a grim kind of discovery -- when you finally fix on the fact that gender differences create life differences, create goal differences, create "purpose" differences.

I am willing to go with the fact of the differences -- and just try to float and go with the eddies and floes that are all around me. Swirling this way and that -- my views are as confused and partial as ever. One of the "dreams" I used to have consistently was of me drowning -- being pushed and shoved under water, and struggling like a madman to maintain equilibrium, to fight my way to the surface. Once a relationship with a woman hits that level of distress for me -- I am forced to flee, to get to the air, to breathe, to live. For some women who might someday read this -- I'm sure that explains a lot.        

Fired for Blogging

A female redheaded news reporter somewhere down South got fired yesterday, for posting "true" confessions on her personal blog.  It's a shame because she really didn't admit to much in her confessions: not wearing a bra on the air one day, being afraid to do stories about "old people" because she was secretly frightened of them, and making some comments about her salary on her YouTube channel. There is no "freedom to speak" and there is no "freedom of the press" -- and there also is no privacy. As we are monitored so are we judged, juried, fined and/or fired. People are blaming the younger generation -- sharing stuff "out there" which "should be kept secret."

My blog will never be about work -- or its related elements. Not that those areas are controversial -- but they are not the principal parts of my life. But I am not afraid to post the truth -- that's all I know; that's all that I can say.     

What is of Value?

People are of value. They have the most value in our lives: those we love -- our relatives, lovers, friends, co-workers; those we are acquainted with -- our bosses, fellow-workers, neighbors, associates; those who are important to us -- everyone else we think about.  

So blogs talk about people -- all those people mentioned above. And hopefully blogs tell the truth (as the blogger sees and understands it) about all those people.  And hopefully those mentioned in blogs understand why they are mentioned, and don't take instant offense when they are mentioned, even somewhat, disparagingly.

Many people have come and gone in my life. Some I have loved and lost. Others I have loved and hold onto in my mind, or in my heart. But no matter the status of any of them -- it is them I need to talk about. Because they are the people who have shaped me, such as I am, and helped me to survive this long. And they are the people I value. 

On Love, Friendship, and Age

I believe in friendship -- and companionship, and acquaintanceship, and many other kinds of closeness between human beings. Big of me, right? No, I'm just making the point that there are lots of degrees of friendship that I participate in -- and would participate in, if it were possible.

Love is another matter -- erotic love requires the physical ability to love, and the mental and psychological ability to be close to, to respond to, to fulfill, the needs of another human being.  More than a generation of time between two people in a love (erotic) relationship nearly makes that relationship implausible if not impossible.  The genetic attractions won't be there -- and if they are there, they are easily undone by the reality of -- too slow, too fat, too ugly, too...  I recognize my own limitations at this point -- even though attracted to the breathless face and smiling eyes of a twenty-something-year-old, I need to keep myself in check and not instead try to pretend I'm an Anthony Weiner type middle-aged (or old-aged) freak who can't see his own reflection in the mirror. 

Love is mysterious and also has many other levels -- even within the erotic realm.  Desire can be internalized into a dream-landscape, which is all the really old really have.  I can't pretend to be 20 again no matter how good of an actor I am, or how self-delusional as well. 

Looking for Comments

There are people directly connected to some of my postings -- but for them and for all, I welcome their comments on individual postings. Eventually I will open up this blog to Google Plus -- thus getting a wider range of readers and/or commentators. Right now only people who find themselves named in the postings are asked to respond -- and only if they wish to do so. 

What Do Women Want?

A provocative question -- without a provocative answer.  Women are human, too. So what they want is what all humans want -- a little happiness, less despair, no deception, honesty, compassion, some fun, some humor, some playtime on every level, a living of life that is complete and wonderful, some risk-taking, some loving that is honest, a heart that is true, a soul that is open, eyes that are real, and kisses that mean something more than they are. 

I still never knew what Bertina wanted; I am pretty sure Maureen never wanted anything, or else wouldn't ever express it if she did want something. And so for the man -- the object/subject of all this -- he would never know what was wanted and would just walk away and give up. 

So Much More to Say: On Bertina (Tina) and Maureen

My failure to reclaim dating skills I never quite possessed is the real story of my non-relationships with Bertina and Maureen.  For the latter person I became a disembodied pen pal -- a reliable "voice" somewhere off there, mostly unconnected to flesh and bone, totally bereft of emotion or pain. I should have been aware of that fact then -- and I should have tried to correct it. Sooner, earlier, more emphatically!

For the former "datee" I should be writing a book, rather than a poor remembrance in a blog.  There were so many high points corresponding to so many more low points. Suffice it to say at this point that some of these "true stories" will come out here and there over the life of this blog -- as they did in conversations with my friends and confidants at the time of their occurrence. I am certainly not always right about things I have undergone, mostly due to the "rosy-colored memory" effect. But what is true for me, is true for me and the way I try to live. And so it is; and so it must be.