More Geckoes, More Redbirds --- Sincere Panic Over Change in "Closing Date"

The formal closing date for the sale of my house has been moved up ten days, to June 20th, to facilitate the start of work on the Carriage House.  (Don't ask; it's complicated and has to do with "title insurance"). The lawyers thought it was a great idea, showing no consideration for me and my team and the added, quickened workload. Lawyers: gotta love 'em!

So I will be renting a truck, getting the team back together -- and trying desperately to get tons of work done next week -- all Post-Tag-Sale, which is on June 1st and June 2nd.

And of course there is still this "other thing" that is occupying my mind and my psyche. More information later on that.

Signs and Portents

In the ancient world leaders and ordinary people as well -- looked for "signs and portents" of failure or success for just about any enterprise.  They read bird entrails, or leaves of tea, or signs in the sky like birds, clouds, or insects.

I have some "signs and portents" as well. A mysterious red bird (usually a cardinal but not always) comes near me outside my window, or on my car, or merely streaks across my path. (Good luck and blessings inevitably follow -- thank you Sheila).

Often I am engulfed by feelings of contentment -- usually caused by birds (great blue herons, for example) looking at me, and not scattering. I am also often confronted by "geckos" -- in my house(s),
yard, car, etc. and they always are benign and helpfully calming creatures.  People smiling at me -- usually they smile first also often ease my soul. There are many more such "signs and portents" -- count your own, and you will see that I am right.

Also, please resist harder!!!!!

What the Hell?

There are so many variables in life: health, age, flexibility, balance, speed, thoroughness, depth, values, lack of values, morality, spirituality, openness, thoughtfulness, wellness, focus, lack of focus, common sense, desire, lack of desire, beauty, kindness, love, inability to love, compassion, understanding, humanness.  The list is a "forever -- never finished -- kind of list.

Life itself is that way. Forever -- never finished. Welcome it -- don't deny it, or your honest participation.

And resist, always!!!!!

That Feeling

A quick shock to the system today -- got the "go ahead" to "ask again" when I was expecting outright rejection. Means the heart fluttered for  a second; the smile came back to the front of my face; and generally the sky brightened down the road.

All veiled talk -- for sure. But those who know me, and the "red bird" that watches over me all understand my situation, my fears, my worries, my hopes. The future may not be as solipsistic as I once thought it might be.

Resist NOW; resist always!!!

Days of Strange

Lawyers' meetings, changed contracts, new contracts, new provisions, attempts at civility with the underlying concept of "threat," avoidance of legal battles, giving in -- being honest, being loyal, being straightforward! These are all a significant portion of every day in my life right now.

And as "spice" to this entree -- a feeling that I am leaving something out; that I am screwing up somehow, that I am ignoring someone or something that should be important to me. And then there is the tremendous feeling of being "horny," yes -- "horny" for no particular reason than I am on edge, all the time, over money which formerly was outside my ken.

Resist and resist some more!!!!

Slowing Down the Brain

Given the flood of change coming my way, and the intense pressures to decide on things coming from all directions -- I have taken a new stance. I am not going to decide on "anything" in haste: what stocks to buy, what elemental  things to keep/throw away, how to travel, what jobs to keep/lose, what charities to support, what people to bring closer into my life, etc. etc. etc.

I would like to somehow "date" -- but probably not in the traditional sense, or in any sense, because of my age and financial status. I would like to be social -- without being tied down. I would like to go out to dinner with someone -- without making a lifelong commitment. I would like to have friends -- as my schedule opens up, and I am no longer working 60 hours per week. I would like to destress -- and get back to simple exercise: walking, slow running, weights, etc. I would like to simply "fall into" the above patterns, without having to plan them all out like a madman.

I have to "slow down" my brain to make all of the above possible. Sometimes my brain just won't stop.  

Memorial Day

So what is the one moment, the one "thing," that you must remember -- that you must heed, for your life to continue to have meaning and value.

Is it the moment of love -- the day you proposed, or were proposed to? Or death  -- the day your most beloved one died? Is that moment in your life, or in someone else's? Is it a national moment -- say "the morning of 9/11?" Is it a tiny moment, one that only has significance for you personally?

Or perhaps the day Kennedy was shot, or Reagan? Or Nixon's resignation? Or the day that will live in infamy -- Pearl Harbor Day? What are the ideas and real values that shape that/those moments for you?

Is there nothing to remember? Nothing good; nothing bad? Are you a Trumpian "tabula rasa?"  Do you think and reflect at all -- or do you only live moment-to-moment?

Everyone's moments are personal, private, intimate. Mine are not the same as yours, probably.  And yet we must all individually cherish our moments and live by them -- or we will become vacuous and empty. Life is too short to live out without living in both our past and our future. We are beings that mentally can move in time and reinvigorate ourselves through thought -- then action. We are human; we reflect our source. We bring honor to our origin(s), whatever they are.




Continue to resist; resist; resist!!!!

Preparing For ... What?

Today was the first day of "preparation" for the tag sale for most of the "goods" of my bed and breakfast, my home, the extended households of Mel and Sheila Mrochinski (Nassif). It was actually the 14th day of packing, sorting, giving away, and now "staging" a sale of goods that will be a tremendous downsize from my previous lifestyle.  Or will it? I am already looking at "decor items" -- new lamps, and bedding, and screening, and saunas, and --- and --- and. Am I still acquiring, or can I just use it all -- and still walk away from it all.  I'm not sure.

That's the way it is with life. We acquire; we give away; we buy anew.  

Going Forward, But Never Forgetting...

I could never forget the twenty wonderful and sometimes not-so-wonderful years I spent with Mary Sheila Nassif Mrochinski as her husband. They were magical and full years -- with a profound and lovely arc. These years held many intimate moments, many loving moments, many tearful moments, and sundry moments that were better forgotten -- but that can never be so. You can't undo time, or pain, or disease, or death.

Sheila's death was unfair and undeserved. She was not alone in this. The small town in which she grew up in North Carolina had clusters of unfair deaths like hers. Every one of the girls she played with as a little girl are now deceased, save one, her best friend Celeste (Tess). Even Tess has felt the unfair "sting" of exotic cancers as she, even now, is undergoing radiation treatment for breast cancer.
All the other little girls are gone: pancreatic cancer, odd breast cancers (similar to Sheila's IBC), esophageal cancer, cervical cancers, late onset brain cancer, and on-and-on.  Obviously there are/were environmental causes (epigenetic) such as the constant spraying of nearby crops with DDT and Malathion -- for decades -- and the children's exposure to same by "playing in the smoke" of the sprayers, and eating the fruit of the ubiquitous pecan trees and backyard gardens that occupied and enveloped all their homesteads.

I am now "going forward" -- slowly -- into a new life. I will continue to write; to travel some; to enjoy the company of new and old friends; to connect with family where and how I can. I will be a help rather than a disruptor or merely an observer of others. I will live out my own life as a gift to others, without being a burden to anyone but my own churning self.  I will continue to live up to my own life's values. I will live as if each day is my last. I will continue to learn to ... dance and love.

Resist; resist; resist!!!!

Stress Factors (In No Particular Order)

Selling house --finally; after 11 years of waiting.
Serious sickness in family.
Moving.
Renting a new house with non-responsive landlord.
Getting "credit line" as "bridge loan" until "closing."
Finding: packing crew (students and friends), heavy lifting crew (local firemen who need extra  
     money).
Downsizing to a normal household size.
Making sure donations "get" to where they are going.
Getting rid of 15,000 books.
Getting "house" and "property" ready for card sale/auction.
Renting truck(s), cars), and people's time.
Being "horny."
Trying to head "deadlines."
Avoiding "stress."
Not sleeping.

Resist; resist; resist!

Languorous Savannah Day

Sometimes on a day like today, when the temperatures and humidity are near perfect, and the mind calmly stalks and destroys the tasks set aside for now; I am brought up sharply by an intimate recognition of a past moment. In this case a miraculous and telling moment. Of a dear and departed love.

Sheila was an extraordinary woman. Even more extraordinary than I ever realized. She kept my jumbled life and "momentous thoughts" in order, and in proper scale. She reasoned with me by being patient and understanding that I could and would come around to the "sensible and common sense" solution, eventually. Sheila was a perfect match for me; even though I was probably not a "perfect match" for her. My love almost overcame my many faults as a partner, and a husband, and a caretaker at the very end ... but not completely .

"She," as I liked to call her -- was the essence of a good, kind and loving person. And she could laugh easily at her own foibles, and certainly at my many such -- in a way that never insulted me, but made me clearly see the joke in my conceits. She knew me as well as I knew me, and better than she knew even herself. She accepted me; she tried to make me better (as I did her). And she failed at the latter, as I did as well. We were not perfect -- but we were good together, and remained a "newly-wed couple until the end of our twenty-year marriage."

I loved her; and She loved me. "I was not her first husband" as She liked to say; "I was her only husband." And our love was just too brief a moment. I would savor it better, if it were now, instead of then.

Resist, resist, resist!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who is More Ruthless --- Trump or Putin?

Vladimir Putin has had a long career in Russian political life -- first as Head of the KGB (in the older days)-- comparable to the roughest agencies in American life: the CIA, the NSA, or even the FBI.
He has been successful over time: in amassing some wealth for himself and his country (through oil, primarily), eliminating enemies (other oligarchs who opposed him), and solidifying Russia's place in the modern world.

Mr. Putin has even managed to expand Russia's sphere of influence: Crimea, Croatia, Donetsk, and other countries where a strong majority of citizens are Russian-speaking (all of the the old USSR countries).  He has been brilliant in his ruthlessness and success.

Donald J. Trump, on the other hand, is not a politician nor is he a particularly good government official. He is a CAPITALIST. He has no particular moral code, few values besides the idea of "profit," and even fewer consistent plans as to how to be a President, a leader, a moral champion, or a decent person. Instead he would sell out anyone for profit: his country, his own wavering moral compass, and/or anyone around him.  He is not a good person.

Mr. Trump relies upon his own instincts and whimsy to make extraordinarily important decisions. And he does so without regard to anyone except his own "brand" (a living, breathing, reinterpretation of Trump himself). His "brand" is his life, His "brand" is his self-worth. His "brand" is Trump.

Trump a Stooge for Putin?

The lingering smell of Russian interference in our democratic elections, even on a lobbying basis, is enough to scare most Americans. The fact is that Trump was an ingratiating weasel of a businessman, begging favors and access from Russia (and Putin) -- to extend his brand, his hotels, his golf courses, his wealth.

Trump is a small kind of businessman -- building not an empire -- but a fiefdom big enough only to wedge his name within. Trump is no Hilton, no Carnegie, no Roosevelt, no J.P. Morgan. Trump is actually more of a "localized distributor" for ties, cuff links, and booze.  The Trump brand of "elegance" is a misnomer. Just gold packaging, lots of glitter, and ordinary taste(s).

Trump grew up in a great city -- New York City. But he failed on almost every count to understand why it is so great. Not because of the moguls; not because of the personalities of its majors; not because of it "lower mogul class" (whose names get mentioned often in the Daily News or the Post, not so much in the Times). Trump certainly seeks the spotlight -- and now having tricked his way into the "presidency" -- he has it. If we can survive Trump -- we can survive anything.

Resist, resist, resist!!!!!!!

A Peripatetic Week -- And the Stress Continues

I am back from the North. It was wonderful to see my sister recovering so quickly -- it gave me hope for her, and for me. The drive up and back to Milwaukee was mostly uneventful yet filled with activity.

A car (my rental car) needed an oil change; so they gave me a pickup truck in Winston-Salem instead. It will be useful during the move in upcoming days.

It was a pity I didn't see any of my other siblings at Linda's place, but they have settled into a schedule where all the minutiae of life come first -- we are a strange group of people -- my family; and yet all too predictably selfish. I am, I am sure, the same in many, many ways.

Investments seem to be in order, though I am sure my broker will need to be "encouraged" to be aggressive; it is not his natural stance.

Today is a "work day" in moving boxes, and clearing space.  

Am-bee-air

Names are funny kinds of words.  A name for a thing can sometimes be a name for a person: Moon Unit Zappa, for instance. And often names have internal kinds of thrusts in them.

The name "glenn" for instance can be a secluded glacial crevasse now widened into a peaceful book, or it could simply be a dumb older brother (no bro jokes, Mel). 

Lately I have been entranced with names: some of my student workers this past week for example can be illustrative: Chloe, Darius, Tiffany, Ashton, Nyema  could you guess how many and which of those students are male or female? Good luck. And there are other students: Adeana, Jasmine, Alicia, 

the ubiquitous Jennifer, Roman, Devin, Davon, and the various forms of Brittany (-eny,-ainy,-einy, etc.).

Names say something: like "Amber" for instance. Breathe that name and slowly pronounce it. Ahm--be-er, or maybe even Ahm--bey--air. A name to conjure with...

Resist, resist, resist!!!!!!!!!!

Days are Long; Tasks are Shorter and Shorter

As I carve out my life as an innkeeper/educator, and move on to the level of philanthropist/educated -- I marvel at my own stamina. With my many, many helpful friends and students I/we are getting all the tasks done in dismantling The Senator's Gate Bed and Breakfast.

It needed to end. It was a long and beautiful segment in Sheila's and in Mel's life -- but then it ended in the premature illness and death of Sheila Nassif Mrochinski. "Bad Luck" the doctors said; certainly not "karma" I said -- since She was the kindest most honestly real Southern belle I have ever and will ever know. I loved her with everything I had -- and it was still not enough to keep her alive, at least physically. But she will always be alive in my mind's eye, and in my heart, and in my soul. She was and is the best -- there may be others for me, but She was the best.

Resist, resist, resist!!!

Moving is Not For the Faint of Heart

So today I (we) threw away a lot of stuff; and Tosha got her new job at Kent State; and my four student workers plus my Dental Hygienist all did a stellar job; and I feel better now that we are inching closer to some kind of reckoning about all the excess I have accumulated over time. Yikes.

Giving away or selling off at a loss or sharing a lot of stuff helps -- but the guilt of acquisition still remains. Americans generally have too much stuff.  And someone of slightly elevated age (such as myself) who avidly collected beautiful things to use in his bed and breakfast  -- well that triples the guilt. So I gave some relatively nice stuff to me deserving students --- anything they desired or truly wanted actually.

Resist, resist, resist!!

A Raccoon Died

Today, May 5, 2017, a raccoon died in my Savannah backyard. It was the second such creature to pass away -- the last happening some 8 years ago. They were both probably habitants of a very large laurel oak tree that came down in pieces during last years hurricane (and in a  subsequent disembowelment by a local professional arborist). I say that because that monstrous tree was the largest, tallest and deepest tree for several blocks around.

This little raccoon (or its cadaver at least) is lying out in the rain behind my kitchen as I write this. I had called "animal control" earlier today as I watched a construction company take measurements for a new roof on my Carriage House. I spied the creature nestling up against the cool wall of the back of my house under a very warm scowling sky, pre-thunderstorm. Tomorrow I will dispose of him.

The preparation for my "move across town" proceeds apace, with packing -- sorting -- donating being the main order of business for the next few days, and for a few weeks to come. There will also be a short trip to see my sister -- who is now in full recovery mode from her serious recent health problems.

Fortunately, my employer accepted my notion of a "Hardship" Leave of Absence to allow me to make the trip "up North" and take the summer off from teaching. Thank you---technical school employer.  It's my "free 'sick leave' and 'personal time' anyway -- I'm not sure why I need to "qualify" to take it. But that's Georgia for you. Legal, in perfect form, and generally all "snafu."

Today the Republicans in the House of Representatives cheered as they took away health care for
millions of poor Americans and dealt yet another blow to "safety net" programs in America. Yay, Yay GOP!

Resist, resist, resist!!!  

The Glorious Beauty of Being ...Twenty-One!

This semester my class was crowded with beauties -- men and women. For some strange reason the dice were cast this term and came up with a lot of students in their third year of college, 3 years past high school graduation at 18, and facing the world with strong arms and firm young breasts.  Most of these young beauties are also swimming in the local service pool -- "living the life," as Tosha used to say - by waiting table or serving drinks.  Life repeats, again and again and again,and then again again.
Rachel is 21 -- and so enamoured of herself and her body that all her clothes are bought to cling, and all her body shapes curve unceasingly towards her naughty eyes. Not a "runway model" beauty -- but with a lithe body she bobs and weaves through flirtation routines too intricate to be constructed but more like freestyle sex-diving. She reminds me of Farrah of 2016-- then also 21 -- though Farrah brought an edge of haughty Hepburn to her own outlook. This Eastern Patricianship often set her aside from others -- in intelligence, wit, classic beauty, and her own "knowing and understanding"
connecting. Both these young women are intelligent -- at times rising to brilliance.  But both cling to the aspect of attraction to attain any goal they seek.

Men also play David in Florence!  Well muscled, well packaged, well delivered! Men from Venezuela; men from Panama; men from California; men from the golf courses scattered throughout Georgia. Even a stray Eastern surfer or two. All beauties: each and every one.

Resist, Resist, Resist!

Airline Travel --- Kaflooey!

Yes, on United Airlines the staff loves to threaten their guests, occasionally drag them from the cabin because "they" (the airline), made a mistake and sold more tickets than there are seats.  Now of course they promise that the "passenger treatment" will improve. How --- no more beatings?

And American Airlines announced today that they will be shrinking the amount of leg room in their economy class. Soon we may be dangling our legs out of the windows on future flights. What is going on here???!!!!

I have begun taking other means of transport -- anything under 1200 miles and I drive a rental car, or I take the train, or I get an ExecJet pass from a friend. Anything else but flying on the airlines in the US. What used to be a pleasure is now akin to actual torture. "Would you like to be waterboarded with that coke, it's free on this flight only!"  Thanks so much, but "no," not this time.

Resist, resist, resist!!!!

Moving a LIfetime

Unlike the typical downsizing an "old person" (politically correct would be "senior citizen") undertakes, I am also deconstructing a viable bed and breakfast with all its trappings, and disintegrating at least two long careers in theatre/management/teaching -- all in one gigantic
smash-mouth free-for-all frenzy.  Mixed with that are visits with my younger sister -- who has
had an unfortunate bout with bad, bad health problems.

And that is my life at the moment.

I have also employed a number of students for packing purposes, managed the day-by-day grind
of "logistics" (the big new word) in planning -- and managed to avoid either a heart attack or a stroke. But it is early yet.

We enter phase two of the move this weekend -- and then a short hiatus of a week -- and then back at it for round three. After that 3 more levels of packing -- and then 3 levels of unpacking. Yikes.
Am I young enough to do all this?

Yes.

Resist, resist, resist!!!!!

The Unflappable Idiot

Perhaps Hitler's gravest danger to Europe and to Germany back in the 1930's existed in the fact that the "people" as a whole justified and took seriously a small little Austrian house painter, and transformed him into a national, and then a world, force for evil.

Sound familiar? A small little man who makes himself large by saying strange and unbelievable things, and is incredibly "believed" by his countrymen and literally worshipped as the "Fuhrer" transforming himself into a "genius" in their clouded judgment.  Hitler was no genius; he was like Donald Trump a fully-realized "unflappable idiot."

Continue to resist, resist, resist!!!!