Lots of bloggers use their postings to "kiss and tell," thereby humiliating others while showing what an "honest, caring person they themselves are." I promised myself and this blog that I would not resort to justifying my own "position" in any relation, by deriding or minimizing other people. At times I may deal with relationships -- but I will protect the identities of others (as best I can) and will not try to just make myself look good.
Since Sheila's unlucky and untimely death in 2006, I have tried to have two relationships that I thought could become "romantic" and even "permanent." In either case it did not happen and I take a lot of the "blame"-- such as it is, for the ending of those two relationships. One of those relationships started a year after She's death and at a time I was hopelessly befuddled by grief and ready to literally end my own existence. An unexpected Christmas card, from a younger woman whom I knew 30 years ago (long before my marriage)-- with whom I had little contact but through letters, saved my life. A letter, email, and ultimately phone relationship ensued -- and then finally a rendezvous in Wilson, NC (of all places -- halfway between our separate homes). This relationship did not work out -- because we were not compatible in beliefs nor in temperament. Sometime in the future I will detail the fantastic attempts, crises, and failures that led to the demise of this friendship.
The second relationship was calmer, more hopeful -- but equally unsuccessful. Here the onus of failure was all on my side, I think; presuming that there might be a relationship there, without physically testing to see if there was one. It too resulted in an embarassing failure -- and a request to "just walk away" on my part, which was apparently easily agreed to by my friend. It is poetic justice, in many ironic ways, that doomed this relationship -- and my own eagerness. It may have soured all future relationships (romantic ones, at least) in my future.
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